It’s no surprise that Montana is very different from California. That’s why I moved here. Perhaps I was drawn to the dramatic landscapes, the simple and kind demeanor of it’s residents or the surprising nature of Bozeman itself, which is a little bit urban, a little bit nature, a little bit culture, and a whole heck of a lot of fun and heart.
Up to now there has been absolutely nothing for me to complain about. There is nothing I want that I can’t find here, there is nothing I miss from home (other than friends and family), and there is nothing I want to experience that I can’t find here.
However, something funny happened to me over the course of the last few weeks. I was starting to feel really tired and lethargic and unmotivated. I didn’t feel like leaving the house. I had to force myself to get out and exercise. All I wanted to do was be by myself, lie in bed, cry, watch movies, and take naps. I was drinking more tea than usual, for the caffeine, because I was so tired. And I was generally not feeling like myself. And I started to panic.
What’s wrong with me? Why am I so emotional? What is happening? What can I do to make myself feel better? And I was confused and overwhelmed.
Today’s post is brought to you from underneath the glare of my “Happy Light,” whose job it is to “enhance my mood,” and “get rid of the winter blues.”
It’s 8am and still pitch black outside. Something I just can’t seem to get used to out here. I was warned ahead of time that seasonal depression (SAD…appropriately titled) is a total reality out here for some people, but I thought, “psssh that won’t happen to me,” and “I’m super aware and strong and healthy and can handle anything.”
But alas, it did happen to me. And as soon as I realized that I might be SAD, I got my ass on the internet to find what can be done and scurried to the store the get myself some vitamin D and a “happy light.”
Within that though, something unexpected showed up in me. I felt ashamed. Embarrassed that there was something inside me that I didn’t feel like I had control over. Ashamed to be associated even with the word “depression.” And because of that, I almost didn’t tell anyone what I was going through. I wanted to close off, not share, be by myself.
And this reminded me of the last time I was associated with the word “depression.” It was almost 18 years ago, to the day, when my dad died. And the same thing happened. I didn’t want to get out of bed, I was sad, confused, out of control of my moods and emotional state, didn’t want to talk to anyone. And my reaction was the same. I closed off, shut down, didn’t want to share, didn’t want to talk.
Lately I’ve been forced to look at the patterns I’ve adopted in my life. What are my triggers, and what are my patterned or “go to” responses to those triggers. And underneath this “happy light” this morning, I realized another big one. Being embarrassed by my truth, and not wanting to reach out for help or open my heart (in case it might get stepped on and hurt).
In the past, this ot speaking my truth just prolonged my pain. A resisted feeling creates persistence in that feeling. I know this, I coach on it constantly. And so in this case, I reached out. Told people what I was going through, what I was feeling.
And you know what I got?
The “Happy Light.”
One friend suggested it might be seasonal depression. One friend knew where to find the light and took me there. All three of us were going through the same thing, were able to help each other find solutions and offer support and love. So damn glad I reached out.
And I’m happy to report that only three days after D and the Happy Light came into my life, I’m feeling 100% better. Back to my old self.
There is no shame or embarrassment in who we are and how we’re feeling. The people around us want to help and love us. And I find that people are just waiting for us to reach out. Putting yourself out there is scary and vulnerable, but I believe it’s the only way to truly what we have in our lives.
The more time that goes by, the more I understand that living a life with a closed heart, afraid that who I truly am inside or afraid that what I feel or what I have to say will scare people away is not actually living. That I’d rather be left for how I truly feel than live not speaking it. Or that I’d rather risk being judged for my “depresseion” then live with it all by myself, alone, swirling in my heart.
This is A Wildheart Life.
Speaking truth. Sharing heart. BEING who we need to be to get what we want in life.
There will be a lot more on this topic to come. I’m starting the Wildheart Revolution. Will you join?
What in your life have you been holding in, all to yourself? In what ways do you need to change your patterns? In what ways do you need to live more as a Wildheart? Leave a comment below.