The problem with love advice is that we’re all too nice. And no one tells the truth. No one wants to say what they’re really thinking.
Any guilty parties…raise your wine glasses. Thought so. We all do this. Even me. When I know better. And it all comes down to being liked. We’re afraid that if we tell the truth, our friend will be mad at us, or we’ll hurt her (potentially hurting her is another version of not being liked as well as the added bonus of actually hurting someone you care about…not fun).
So awhile back, I had a conversation with a friend who had just met the “love of her life” online. They had never met in real life and she already decided to move in with him. “when you know…you know.” She said.
And even though I was skeptical, I projected happiness. And excitement. So I wasn’t surprised at all, when a bit down the line, she told me that her ideal partner told her he had just gotten out of prison for grand theft, and was a diagnosed sociopath. And she was confused. Wanted to know what she should do.
My should-have-been response was “are you kidding me?? Get out now and don’t look back. You’re amazing and beautiful and talented and ambitious…what are you thinking? A sociopath?? I can’t even believe you’re asking me this question.” But what I said instead was something like “I’m so sorry. You should think about what you want in your ideal life and if sociopath ex-con doesn’t fit in there, then you should walk away.“ Which I’ve definitely said before to other people. And then “of course…you could always try to get to know him better and then decide, I mean, you never know.”
WHAT?!?! Get to know an admitted sociopath? See after that?? I’m pretty shocked those words came out of my mouth too.
What is it about us that has us jumping in head first to situations that we know aren’t good for us for the sake of learning or growing? Life would be so much easier if we lived love in black and white terms. He’s an asshole? Get out. You don’t love him? Get out. He steals cars? Get out. You want a serious relationship? Stop dating unavailable babies. Life would not only be easier, but we’d all be happier. We’d always be living within the integrity of what we know we deserve, and that just plain feels good.
So with that…whatever is troubling you in love right now, you already know what to do. You’re not confused. You have the answers already.
Do you have a funny love story like this? Something that you wanted to say to a friend or loved one but couldn’t? Leave a comment below.
Definitely! That’s why I never became a personal counselor. You have to say “so how did you feel when he stood you up?” instead of “Dump that asshole”.
I know!! I totally get it. On the one hand I try to be sensitive to the fact that love is such a complicated area of life that doesn’t deal in logic or black and white, but on the other hand, it’s just so crazy what we all do. Buuuuuuuut I find that most people don’t want to hear the truth, because they already know it and know they aren’t going to do anything about it. Le sigh. Love.
I just admitted my boyfriend of 5 1/2 months to a detox center this afternoon… I didn’t know about his previous stints in detox/ rehab programs. He told me a couple of nights ago his last relapse was 3 years ago.
Recently, I asked the Universe if he was the one I was suppose to be with and asked for a sign…. his mom dies a week later, he had always drank heavily but it started to get extreme and he was chewing Klonopin almost all day long. The same problem that he said he had when he first was in rehab. (He didn’t start to abuse Klonopin again until his mom passed away).
Do you think this is the Universe telling me to get away? Is the Universe taking him out of my life for a greater purpose or is this my cue to fight for our relationship?
I liked him instantly when we first met and he was exactly who I wanted to be with. He was everything I ever imagined in a guy and I thought “Finally, it’s him. Lucky me!”. The respect and care that he gave me dissappeared almost over night after he started to abuse pills. He was so deceptive and manipulative at first I was confused about what was really going on. His lying and recklessness finally became so apparent I knew he needed help.
You wrote that you already know what you want to do in the relationship… right now I want to give up…. not have to deal with this risk or person whose unable to keep his shit together…. can I trust him again?? I can’t tell if I want to trust him again. A good friend called it… 5 – 6 months, shit starts to get real. Is it time to give in and move on?
I know this is an opportunity but I’m not sure for what….. any insight?
PS this is my first comment on your blog, but I really do follow you reguarly and enjoy and get inspired by your writing. I think you’re doing great work! Keep it up girl ;)
Hey Rebecca…thank you so much for writing in and thank you so much for the encouragement. I can definitely see why this situation feels tricky, but I truly believe we all possess a truth inside ourselves about this kind of thing. I think it’ll help for you to be realllllllly honest with yourself about what you want in your life and what type of relationship you strive for and measure it against what’s happening now. A lot of times we have a truth, but then get kind of scared, so we find ourselves “confused.” Which in my opinion is a human constructed term to skirt a tough decision. I don’t know that I believe confusion exists. Still up for debate. I’d be happy to get on the phone for a quickie chat about this if you’d like! It’s easier to sort through stuff when I can hear your voice. If so, email me.