November 11th, 2011
I kind of feel like a bad mother. Who is busy working out her life and dealing with her own stuff that she’s let her baby go with a wet diaper for a few months.
I love this blog. I love you guys. I love writing. Just like a mother loves her baby. And yet, I’ve been neglecting it. Been turning away from it. Not been loving it. Conditional love, only writing when I feel like it, or am willing to share.
I haven’t been writing because things have been all messy in my head. You’d think, from looking at me, probably, that things are great. That I’m having the time of my life. That I’m so lucky I get to be traveling the country in an RV with two amazing girls and my dog doing random acts of kindness, making people’s days brighter, and seeing this gosh darn beautiful country.
And most of the time, I do feel that way. But then, there creeps in some other emotions. Of being scared, of my life, of the unknown, of what’s going to happen when this trip ends, of what’s next. The what-ifs in my life. What if I don’t ever have the life I really want, ultimately? What if I never find what I’m looking for? What if I had something great and I messed it up? What if I never find love in the way I want it? What if I never do anything that matters?
And those weigh more heavily on me than the amazingness of what’s in front of me. Unfortunately. And while it IS amazing and I feel really grateful to be here now, I’m also…tired. And lonely sometimes. And sad in my thoughts. And because of this, I feel like a complete jerk. Like how can I possibly not be happy doing what I’m doing right now? Are you kidding me?? Some people would kill for this opportunity. I mean, I’m on a “Happiness Project” right this minute…how ridiculous is it of me to not feel happy all the time??
I think this happens in life all the time. We ask for something we want, and we get it, and then we’re still not happy and then we wonder why and feel guilty about it. I think happiness is tricky. I think it comes not from what we think it does…like things. But rather in a state of being about our life. About appreciating and loving what we have right now as a mode to also have and appreciate what we have later. It’s always in the “thinking ahead” that I get scared. It’s the wanting something other than what I’m having right now, in this moment that keeps me up at night. And that’s not allowing me to actually be here, appreciating what’s in front of me. Which is an absolutely amazing experience and opportunity. And now I feel like that bratty teenager who has been given the world and doesn’t appreciate it.
And the cycle continues. Feel how I feel, then feel guilty for that.
At the end of the day, our lives are a series of experiences. Month by month, task by task, relationship by relationship. I want to be more conscious at looking at it that way. Isolated experiences that somehow all connect in the end, but we won’t know how, until the end. Feeling the excitement of the unknown ahead, instead of the fear of it. So instead of wanting something else in these moments, or worrying about what may or may not come, I want this experience…these next five weeks, to be it’s own world entirely. With it’s own cast of characters, it’s own terrain, it’s own road to and fro. And I want to cherish it for exactly what it is. The next five weeks of my life. And in the grand scheme of things, I have no idea how it all fits together. I just know it fits. Somehow.
And that’s pretty exciting, no?
Have you ben experiencing something similar? Fear of the unknown? Wanting something different than you have right now? Leave a comment and let me know all about it.
Also…here are some videos from our Girls Gone Moto trip. Episode 3 plus some Random Acts of Kindness. This trip so far has been amazing in so many ways. Growing, learning, affecting, communicating, and building friendships, touching lives and having my life touched. Gosh…how rich. Go sign up for our newsletter or YouTube channel to get more updates!