November 11th, 2011
Being a Bad Mother and The Dangers of Thinking Ahead.
I kind of feel like a bad mother. Who is busy working out her life and dealing with her own stuff that she’s let her baby go with a wet diaper for a few months.
I love this blog. I love you guys. I love writing. Just like a mother loves her baby. And yet, I’ve been neglecting it. Been turning away from it. Not been loving it. Conditional love, only writing when I feel like it, or am willing to share.
I haven’t been writing because things have been all messy in my head. You’d think, from looking at me, probably, that things are great. That I’m having the time of my life. That I’m so lucky I get to be traveling the country in an RV with two amazing girls and my dog doing random acts of kindness, making people’s days brighter, and seeing this gosh darn beautiful country.
And most of the time, I do feel that way. But then, there creeps in some other emotions. Of being scared, of my life, of the unknown, of what’s going to happen when this trip ends, of what’s next. The what-ifs in my life. What if I don’t ever have the life I really want, ultimately? What if I never find what I’m looking for? What if I had something great and I messed it up? What if I never find love in the way I want it? What if I never do anything that matters?
And those weigh more heavily on me than the amazingness of what’s in front of me. Unfortunately. And while it IS amazing and I feel really grateful to be here now, I’m also…tired. And lonely sometimes. And sad in my thoughts. And because of this, I feel like a complete jerk. Like how can I possibly not be happy doing what I’m doing right now? Are you kidding me?? Some people would kill for this opportunity. I mean, I’m on a “Happiness Project” right this minute…how ridiculous is it of me to not feel happy all the time??
I think this happens in life all the time. We ask for something we want, and we get it, and then we’re still not happy and then we wonder why and feel guilty about it. I think happiness is tricky. I think it comes not from what we think it does…like things. But rather in a state of being about our life. About appreciating and loving what we have right now as a mode to also have and appreciate what we have later. It’s always in the “thinking ahead” that I get scared. It’s the wanting something other than what I’m having right now, in this moment that keeps me up at night. And that’s not allowing me to actually be here, appreciating what’s in front of me. Which is an absolutely amazing experience and opportunity. And now I feel like that bratty teenager who has been given the world and doesn’t appreciate it.
And the cycle continues. Feel how I feel, then feel guilty for that.
At the end of the day, our lives are a series of experiences. Month by month, task by task, relationship by relationship. I want to be more conscious at looking at it that way. Isolated experiences that somehow all connect in the end, but we won’t know how, until the end. Feeling the excitement of the unknown ahead, instead of the fear of it. So instead of wanting something else in these moments, or worrying about what may or may not come, I want this experience…these next five weeks, to be it’s own world entirely. With it’s own cast of characters, it’s own terrain, it’s own road to and fro. And I want to cherish it for exactly what it is. The next five weeks of my life. And in the grand scheme of things, I have no idea how it all fits together. I just know it fits. Somehow.
And that’s pretty exciting, no?
Have you ben experiencing something similar? Fear of the unknown? Wanting something different than you have right now? Leave a comment and let me know all about it.
Also…here are some videos from our Girls Gone Moto trip. Episode 3 plus some Random Acts of Kindness. This trip so far has been amazing in so many ways. Growing, learning, affecting, communicating, and building friendships, touching lives and having my life touched. Gosh…how rich. Go sign up for our newsletter or YouTube channel to get more updates!
You and I have had this discussion a few times before, but I know exactly what you mean (since my life kind of revolves around the ‘perfect situation but sometimes it’s still lonely’ vibe).
Don’t worry about it. Let the feeling in, let it simmer for a few minutes and then move on. You’ll be back in the moment in no time, and enjoying the hell out of living through all the stories you’ll be able to tell later!
LOVE TO YOU! And thank you for your ever amazing and wise words and advice. I feel so lucky to have a friend in you, Mr. and a new family in Missouri!!
The way I see it there’s sort of two ways to go with loneliness… the coachy, “let’s fix it” way — and the spiritual “let the longing lead you to the truth” way. One is easier, faster and ultimately not long lasting. The other is longer & more challenging (99% of the time), but ultimately provides real freedom. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong one (truly, it’s all about what’s right at the time), and I think sometimes they can be worked on simultaneously…. but you’re right on that external things don’t bring lasting happiness. So, then, where to look for it? Shit. Within. Again. Only it’s not really “within” – it’s on the edge of within and without… where “what am I really? what’s life REALLY?” comes into focus. Rumi says, “longing is the core of mystery, longing itself brings the cure.” let it lead you home, sal. it’s your heart that’s calling to you. love you always and always and forever you closet spiritual case. (i’m coming out of the closet myself, in case you can’t tell, it always seems to have had a glass door anywho) With your sincerity and heart, you simply WONT fail at life. :)
Miss Zoe. Love you. Again and again all the time more and more. Thank you for your wisdom. Geez, and you’re so right about looking within AND without. It’s like there is no hard rule for any of this stuff. Just journeys and learning and loving. And even though I write about feeling loneliness or experiencing sadness and enjoy it all so much and feel lucky that I’ve somehow chosen this time and space and body to live through. What a trip it all is, eh? And I’m definitely a closet spiritual case. Not exactly totally closet anymore. Just learning more and more what it all means to me. And I want MORE. Want to be my teacher????????????? Love you Zoe.
Ahhhhhhhh! I just read this!! So humbled…. I would LOVE to share more spiritual stuff with you, lady you know that is my passion & purpose in life–to awaken people to what they truly are, to new ways of experiencing life & being, and through that creating lasting peace, joy, unity & possibility! Of course, I would not take on the mantel of teacher, but would love love love to be a joyful explorer/guide with you–in the sufi tradition we understand that student and teacher are equal and each needs the other–and that the teacher cannot teach the student, only guide back to that light and knowledge already living WITHIN each and every one of us already. This is what I am also my hope with my new fb page: http://on.fb.me/sPRInE to create a community where we can journey together towards this… :) SO exciting. I love you more and more too– hugs to you soul sista! And a deeply respectful bow. xo.
Let’s do this then. :)
Nice to hear from you dear.
I am encouraged by your post when you ask the question..what if you never get to live the life you want..I am encouraged because I ask that question and then I get all so scared and worked up. But I have concluded that no matter what something will work out…Somehow you will meet an angel, knock on the right door, bump on the right person…It will come to you..That is the part that is hard.
When I was small I used to see myself surrounded by many white people..I was small that was just a dream, nothing more than children dreams. I was right in the middle of my small village in Kenya. How was I to work hard towards that. No way. I just kept the dream. I am now in the US, it came to me. It did.
When I started teaching I told my colleagues-I am only doing this for four years..Four years and I am gone. They laughed, they scoffed at me. It was impossible..People were teaching there 20,30 years, not going anywhere. Four years on the dot..I was out.
When I was in college the government was not employing teachers. My three friends and I decided to say, by faith that we will get a job, by faith. One month after college I went volunteering, working without pay. Three months into it I got a paid volunteer position, three months later I got a teaching job and I did not even apply. In fact I did not want it, but they were desperate they really wanted a Biology teacher, they wanted two of them. I had to help, I had to accept.
Why do I share this. I am reminding myself and reminding you that when you look back you will see that the race is not only for the swift nor the battle to the strong…but time and chance happen to them all.
What we say and believe is ours, it was meant for us and even if it does not come to pass..which I think never happens. In one way or the other if we take action it will happen even if it is in trickles.
Sal dear here is my encouragement…You are doing a marvelous job, a blessing…Sooooo..Go eat your food with gladness and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do…It is Friday ( In Kenya we say furahi-day..which means a happy day).
I needed that encouragement and reminder and I hope I added a dot of hap pynes in ya life….
Thanks dear and I am watching this space..Something big is gona happen here..I declare it, I see it and I believe it and I will be here to celebrate wit ya…
Miss Grace…I’m speechless after reading this. Thank you for taking your time to share your stories and your wisdom. I read it to the girls in the RV and we are all in tears. Your stories give us encouragement and hope, even in these moments that are scary. I agree and cherish every single thing you said. And having your support and declarations make me feel lifted up. Thank you. I am in awe and so appreciate your dedication to your own dreams in your life and am here celebrating in your honor all the wonderful things you’ve created for yourself. I feel so grateful to have you here and in my life and the time that we spent on the phone. You are truly a blessing. A special, sweet, woman who I know was meant to be in my life. And how great is that?
And if you are in NC, I am in Durham NC right now, we moved from NJ…would love to meet you.
DANG!!! We already moved on from NC. But we liked it so much, we will probably be back. And when that happens, visiting you is on the list.
I think everyone has those feelings from time to time. Especially when you’re out on the road, with a lot of highway miles between you and the next destination. I sometimes liked the long road stretches, the quiet time between stops. You’ll get over it as soon as you get to your destination.
The journey is the destination, as they say. :)
Life is a journey, not a destination.
–Steven Tyler, “Amazing”, Aerosmith
Oh Miss Sally! I love and acknowledge your vulnerability and openness here. You are giving a voice to the feelings deep inside of you, and sometimes that’s all it takes to move and flow through them :)
Consider those things that are important to you, the values that live deep inside your heart and soul…and then step back and see how you are living, breathing, BEing those values right NOW, in this moment! The work you are doing with GGM is touching and inspiring more lives than you could possibly know. And you are doing it so naturally and with so much grace and ease that it may feel like there should be more “do”-ing going on…but what a wondrous place to be!
How would it look to bask in the glow of exactly who you are, right here, right now?
Much love to you my dear friend <3
Oh V…bringing it right back home. To the here and now. The celebration in what is. Thank you for that perspective and thank you for being so amazingly you. I miss you. Love you.
Hi Sally and friends,
i randomly discovered this little treasure of a website through a friend of a friend etc, you know how that goes ;)
I tend to be put off by those spiiiineless, booooring, chick drama soliloquies girls with a pc and an internet connection often tend to bombard the cyberworld with (call me mean!), so i am very picky when it comes to the blogs and people i decide to “follow” on my spare time online. I have found a wealth of material in your blog, things beautiful as well as useful; hearing someone else’s fresh perspective on experiences that we’ve all been in is a truly great thing ;)
Apologies for the rant, i just thought i’d show my appreciation for your effort and the good work you’ve been doing cheering people up and reminding them that we are all unique and we all need to be encouraged to take out the best that we can possible be.
Enjoy your travels, take good care of yourself and your fellow travellers and perhaps we’ll catch up again some time.
In the mean time, feel free to visit my blog of musings and art from across the pond and lemme know what you think ;)
Hey Despina…wow I’m SO glad you found me through your friends of friends and I appreciate your comment, so much. I completely know what you mean about being burnt out on blogs. Sometimes there are just too darn many. So it means even more to me that mine resonates with you. I checked out your site as well and love your writing and pics. And you have a travelers heart!!! I understand. :) Pretty please let’s keep in touch and get to know each other better.
It’s crazy, I’ve been in the same exact place as you lately. My life has changed over the past few months into a lifestyle I was craving for years and yet, I was having the same conversation with a friend.. Why am I not feeling happy? So I came to these conclusions.. I think once we’ve reached a goal, we will naturally come up with new ones.. And that’s ok. Its impossible to know what its going to be like once we’ve reached a goal, and sometimes some further tweaking is needed. Also, sometimes we are so focused on accomplishing one particular thing, we were not paying attention to other areas that needed attention. Once our big goal is reached, those other things come to the forefront. For me, there were a couple of things I needed to tweak, and a couple of changes I needed to make. Things now feel much better!
YES! I was thinking about this just the other day. How we’re always coming up with new games for ourselves. New goals to reach. New things to want. And in that cycle, there is no such thing as ever “getting there” because the “there” is constantly changing. And yes, I think life is a constant game of give and tweak. :) Glad to hear that you’re feeling better. Do update me with your happenings!
Such a great episode this week ladies! And not just because you volunteered at an animal shelter (yay!) :)
Sally I can only think to say what you always say to me: allow yourself to feel how you’re feeling. You’re feeling it for a reason and it’s your intuition and inner compass that’s just showing you where to go next and how to get there. It keeps taking you to amazing places with amazing people so just trust it. It doesn’t mean you don’t appreciate what you have, I think it just means that you’re always striving, which is one of the reasons why you’re so amazing. And you’re intuitive and totally in touch with your emotions, which not everyone is, so things probably scream at you more than they would to most people.
We of course all need to practice being more present but it’s okay to trust your instinct and make any necessary adjustments to make that present place feel even better. Miss you. Sending you many hugs!
Miss LIz….well the student becomes the teacher! :) And you’re right. I have been needing to feel what I’m feeling AND make a few adjustments. Your words are exactly what I needed to hear and I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Love you.
Just as you have brought this wonderful experience upon yourself your what if’s will settle themselves out. Stop worry about the future and enjoy the moment you will create what you want in the future because when you decide you want something the universe has no other ability then to respond. You random acts of kindness is wonderful do you know my dear friend Currie Rose she did a year of homelessness and had a ball and learned to much and now she is writing a new chapter in her life. Check her out on facebook or google her blog it is worth the time. You need only enjoy one moment at a time to create the rest of your life. Much love. Manifest those miracles. Callie
Callie…thank you so much for your wonderful comment and wisdom. You’re so right about stopping worrying about the future. It’s the lesson I seem to keep needing to learn. And everytime, I get better and better at it. Thank you for reading and checking in.
I am so happy I stumbled upon your site. I have lots to watch and read!
Your former Gap Manager
JON!!! Oh my gosh!!! It’s been a million years!! Gosh I’m so glad you found me. How did you stumble across my site. I checked out your blog too and I love it!! I’m so glad we’re in touch again. So much catching up to do. :)
I stumbled onto your site because I randomly googled Titsofrenix just to see if you were still playing in the band. (I still have a CD from back in the day.) Google lead me here!
Love your YouTube videos and what you are doing.
And thank you for the compliment on my blog. Can I put a link to your site on my blog? I think some of my readers would really enjoy your site.
BTW- I’m still with The G .A. P. but now at HQ in SF.