February 13th, 2013
Aaron Steinberg is my resident “dude” in my new, “Ask A Dude” series. Where all us ladies get to have our questions answered by a super cool guy, who is totally in love with his girlfriend and thinks about relationships all the time (score!). Check the bottom of the post to ask your own question!
Q: What do guys really think when we have sex with you within the first few times of hanging out? Are we automatically not girlfriend or wife material?
A: As with most grey areas, this question spurred two opposing camps. One camp says you’re not girlfriend or wife material if you sleep with him on the first date; it’s brought to life by that voice in your head made up of everything you’ve heard, seen, read, or been told. This camp is correct. Many guys do not want to be with a girl who sleeps with them on the first couple dates, and they feel this way for myriad reasons. I can’t speak to all of them but here are a couple examples. First, what we have tends not to compel us; we desire what we can’t have. Second, a lot of guys make hypocritical moral judgments about sex and how it differs for men and women.
The other camp thinks that this idea is total bullshit; if a guy really likes you he won’t care about almost any of the “weird,” “needy,” or “too-forward” things that you do. When he claims sex on the first date is the problem, it’s really just an excuse—he’s just not that into you. This camp is also completely correct. Most guys don’t care about or analyze 90 percent of the things you do and worry about. If they want you and fall for you, you are a goddess who can do no wrong. (Interesting corollary: a brain chemical called PEA gets activated when you first meet someone whom you find really attractive, and it makes you feel that magical, uncontrollable, head-over-heels attraction. Your brain created it to ensure that you stay with your mate long enough for your baby to be able to survive on its own. It lasts, at most, five years, and therefore brings up interesting implications for how we look at marriage and monogamy. Alas, this is another article)
Since a yes or no answer to this question doesn’t exist, I think you should use a couple different methods to find your solution. First, ask yourself how you would like your future boyfriend to feel about sex on the first few dates. For example, do you want to be with a guy who believes sex on the first date is hot or someone who wants to wait? Then, take it a level deeper. What does this decision and your concern about your potential partner’s beliefs say about how you think about, engage in, and value sex in your life? Maybe get clearer about how you want to act in the sex and dating world and what type of guy best suits you. Second, ask you date what the he thinks. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone about sex, perhaps you shouldn’t be having sex with them. Don’t try to be clever and figure out what everyone is thinking; the best way to learn about someone else’s beliefs is to ask.
You’re always going to be guessing as to whether you should hit the gas or the brake, but I say you should always go with what feels most honest, true, and in integrity for yourself. I firmly believe that a great partner will understand and have compatible needs and values. Also, my girlfriend and I slept together on the first date and we have been happily in love ever since (well, there are always a few issues to work out along the way…).
Have your own question for Aaron? Email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Aaron F. Steinberg is a life coach specializing in one-on-one poker psychology and romance coaching. He loves both because money and love are such challenging and important topics for most people; they are amazing avenues for spiritual and psychological work. He has a CPCC life coaching certification from the Coaches Training Institute and is a Master’s Candidate in Integral Psychology at John F. Kennedy University. While Aaron has written for various blogs, currently he doesn’t have a website, so if you’re interested in working with him you can contact him at email@example.com–he’d love to tell you more about what he does and give you a free sample session. He happily lives in Oakland, CA with his girlfriend.