June 1st, 2011
Last week, as I sat on my bathroom floor, furiously crying, with tears pouring down my face and snot dripping out of my nose, my face all puffy and red and scrunched up like, barely being able to breathe, feeling completely, irrationally ridiculous, on the phone with my friend, I had a realization that has changed everything for me.
In that moment, I so clearly remembered being 16 years old. Bawling about a boy, who supposedly broke my heart. “Why doesn’t he want to be with me?” I’d ask. “Why doesn’t he love me?” “How could he leave me?” And then remembering even further back to months before that when my Daddy died, asking the Universe/God the same questions.
My dad died when I was 15 years old. MY DADDY. The one guy that was supposed to always be there for me, always love me and take care of me, always be a rock and teach me things like how to properly throw a football or how to detail a car or how to juggle and tell a perfectly timed joke. The guy whose love wasn’t supposed to be fleeting. He did the worst thing he possibly could have done to me, ever. He up and died. And he had a choice in the matter. And he chose to leave. Me. There all alone. With no explanation, no warning, no hope for a spirited return. Just gone.
And so, as I was lying on the floor of my apartment bawling, asking those same questions of someone I barely even knew, it occurred to me that something very deep was happening for me. Those questions have been asked, in exactly the same words, in exactly the same situations, and expressed in the exact same kind of sobbing way, throughout my entire life. That…right now, in this present moment, with this new situation in mind, that my feelings had almost nothing to do with this new person, rather, that it was all this old stuff creeping up on me, slowly, then very quickly, like HERE I AM LADY AND YOU MUST LOOK AT ME, NOW!!!
The thing that is seeping in, through all my tears are these very old wounds, of being left, and fear of a made up future that hasn’t even happened yet. Hurt and pain that I buried so deep inside so many years ago because it was just too painful to feel. I didn’t want to look at it then because it hurt too badly, and I also decided to never ever feel something so painful again. Ever. But here I was, feeling exactly the way I felt then, in a situation that technically, and rationally, shouldn’t have warranted such a reaction.
Before this realization, I had been driving myself crazy, thinking about this guy that I talked about in my last post. We’ll just call him Wyatt Earp. It’s crazy because, I had the cerebral understanding that very little of this actually has to do with him. That instead, he is a mirror for me, reflecting back all the things I need to look at in my life. All the things I need to work on. All the things I’ve buried so deep, and have been distracting myself with by jumping from one relationship to the next, never allowing the ground of self-awareness to get fertile. Never allowing myself to be alone for a long enough period of time to actually allow this stuff to come to the surface. And instead, I’d bring it into whatever relationship was next and drag it around the foundation of that partnership, building a relationship on shaky ground. That doesn’t feel good at all. I’m (kind of) glad that Wyatt Earp didn’t put his love in my pocket so easily, because it would have been my old pattern, repeating, which I vowed not to do after my last relationship. And for that, I’m grateful. And now it’s time to do the work. People come into our lives for a reason, and it’s rarely for the reason we think.
In Eat Pray Love, the quote that has stuck with me the most throughout that entire book is something Richard the Texan said while they were at the Ashram in India. He says:
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.
A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…”
Not surprising to me that both Wyatt Earp and my last ex are listed in my (trusty ol’) astrology book as soul mates.
I seriously am panicking as I post this. Because of not only my fear to be vulnerable to you, still, and the feeling that since I’m a coach, I must not fall apart in front of you (“Even Coaches Get The Blues”), the fear that Wyatt Earp might read this and think I’m (even more) crazy, but because I can’t think of much worse than being labeled as a girl with daddy issues. But growth is about being honest. About being who you truly are. Maybe I DO have Daddy issues. Maybe I HAVE been acting irrationally and crazy. So what? I am who I am. I’m sensitive and carry around old wounds. Whatever. I’m a human being and I’m working on my wounds and old patterns so I can be a better person, a better friend, a better partner, a better daughter and sister, and a better Coach.
I’m not sure what you are going through right now. Maybe you’re experiencing something similar, or maybe you’re struggling with something else. If you find yourself stuck or obsessing about something that isn’t making sense, or unable to let something go, just know that you’re probably reacting to something that has very little to do with what’s in front of you right now, and rather either being triggered by some old hurt that still lives inside you, or some made up story about what lies ahead of you. And if you look inside, I’m certain you’ll find a little girl in there who is scared. Love her. And Be kind to yourself right now.
Despite all this growth, and processing, and heavy stuff I’ve been going through, I’m also happy. Happy I’m doing it, happy I’m feeling it, and happy for what doing those two things is going to bring me on the other side of it. It’s all very interesting and cool to me…even the painful parts. And with this all being said, I’ve made some decisions in my life. I’m moving out of the bay area in one month, getting in an RV with Natalie, and going where the wind takes me.
I love hearing from you. Leave a comment if any of this resonates with you. And I promise, next, I’ll post something light and fun (maybe) :)
And in light of being completely, absolutely open to you guys, I’m going to share something I never thought I would. Evidence of my state of being lately, which seems to swing wildly from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other. This is what happens when you’re a human…or at the very least, when you are a female.