June 20th, 2011
I feel funny today. And change is weird. Especially for someone who doesn’t like change. Typically. Or at all, rather. I woke up with that panic feel in my belly. Worried. Scared things weren’t going to work out. Playing the “what if it doesn’t work out, what if everything goes wrong, what if I’m miserable and hate my RV trip” game. Wondering how on Earth I got myself here, sleeping on the pullout couch in my living room, amongst boxes and half packed things, all the rest of my stuff in storage, about to hit the road as a proper nomad, with nothing more than absolute essentials and one, undecided sized, suitcase. And that would be fine (maybe) if that were the only thing swirling around in my brain.
It’s like change after change is happening. Learning upon learning. Reflecting. Digging deep. Watching buried things rise to the surface. I used to have a recurring dream where I accidentally killed someone and was afraid no one would believe it was an accident, so I had to bury them somewhere and pray and hope that they would never be found. And always at the end of the dream, right before I’d wake up, someone was lurking dangerously close to my big secret and I was just about to be found out.
I feel like that right now (minus the murder). That things are now coming to the surface. Things I’ve deliberately and carefully hidden for so long.
I really, REALLLLLLY, hate to admit this, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t also about Wyatt Earp (ugh! Still!? REALLY?!) and my ex, and my dad, and probably everyone else I’ve ever met. I’m trying to undo all my bad habits and patterns of needing to be loved, so badly, by everyone, needing attention (ummmm…I do realize I’m writing this in a blog…some patterns take time I guess), wanting to have my way, needing to be the favorite. And all I can come up with is this: Whatever I’ve ever done before, in any of these situations…try my best to do the opposite. The only way to break an old habit, it seems, is to recognize that you do it, and then do something else. I’m trying over here. One step at a time.
Ugh, I feel sick to my stomach after writing that last paragraph.
I’ve talked a lot about “being with” whatever is showing up in your life. Just sitting with it, being aware of it, recognizing that it’s there, no matter how icky or uncomfortable you feel. And I don’t know about you guys, but honestly, I get really tired of doing that sometimes. I struggle with it. I keep trying, because I know it’s really important, and I know I want to be doing it, but I get exhausted. Like, I want a day off from my process or something. So what I find myself doing in those instances is distracting myself. With friends, activities, dinners, and drinks, and lake trips, and dancing, and get-togethers. Trying to fill in all the space between my thoughts because sometimes they just feel too big to contain in one little mind. One little body.
But after about 4 days in a row of those distractions. I’m spent. Wiped out. Because everything is still inside. Today I have the space and time, and I can’t not look at it. Can’t not sit with it. It’s like everything else in life. A journey and a process. I’m getting back on the personal-growth horse I fell off of a little bit. And that’s ok. I’m not perfect. There’s no right or wrong way to do my journey and my process. I just get to keep trying.
As I sit here in my packed up apartment, belly full of nausea, on the verge of vomiting I realize even more that I have absolutely no idea how my life is going to end up. How things are going to go. Where I’ll live, who I’ll marry someday, what my business will grow into, who I’ll meet along the way, whether or not I’ll ever get good at salsa dancing (or whether or not I want to). I have no idea what’s around the corner. We never do. I wish I could say that that thought excites me, fully. Right now, it scares me, but I can feel a tinge of excitement bubbling up, underneath.
What are you guys going through? Change happening for you too? Leave me a comment and let me know that we’re all in this together.
And as I write this, thinking about my process and reminiscing about the last month or so I’ve been here, my last month living in Oakland, I think back to all that I’ve experienced. Here’s a vid and some pics of many of the things that have happened along the way, in this here journey of mine.