May 18th, 2011
Ok.. I’ll admit it. I have a letting go problem. I don’t like to do it. I avoid it at all costs. And it comes up all over my life. With love, with homes or places to live, with memories or experiences. Lately, it’s been coming up about my next steps.
Coming back from Costa Rica has proved to be even harder than I anticipated, and I think it has nothing, actually, to do with Costa Rica, but rather the fact that I’m feeling pretty unhinged in general. I moved up to the bay area two years ago to be with my partner (at the time). And now that we’re not together anymore I’m finding myself wondering what the heck I’m still doing here. Do I even like it in Oakland? Does it light me up? In comparison to Costa Rica, definitely, no. And so, with no real ties here, I’m left with too many possibilities. Like…ALL of them. I could essentially go anywhere in the world, and although that might sound amazing, it actually feels weird.
I like having ties. I like structure. I like a sense of stability. And apparently, I like hanging on to things way too long. So I’m finding myself trying to grab on to “tangible” things (that in reality, aren’t actually tangible…like a relationship interest who “isn’t looking for a relationship,” which I know ultimately means “I’m not looking for a relationship with YOU,” but since he said that, of course I’ve decided that it is meant to be, forever and ever and I keep holding onto that and am getting super bummed even though I (sorta) don’t really want a relationship either, UGH!)
Most of the time lately I feel like a crazy person. My mind can’t seem to make any decisions, I find myself in tears without knowing exactly what I’m crying about, I’m feeling a panic feeling in my chest, sadness, loneliness and it’s even worse because I do realize that these are all just made up thoughts and stories in my head. Doesn’t change the fact that they are there, affecting me.
And it really just comes down to my avoidance of both letting go and being afraid. Not necessarily in that order. I’m afraid to be unhinged, afraid to let go (of my life here, of my ex, of life as I know it, of security, of potential relationships), afraid to not be attached, afraid I’m not enough, or not lovable, or afraid of what it means that some guy doesn’t want to be with me, or what it means to put all my stuff in storage and have no home. Lately, I think it’s been easier for me to distract myself with these “confusing” thoughts and pseudo-relationships than actually deal with myself, and what I’m actually feeling, and the fears I have surrounding my situation. The mind is a tricky little fugger.
I know I talk about fear, and running towards it, a lot. And in this moment, I’m in the middle of it. Torn. Unable to see the light. But that’s the thing with situations like this…it’s almost impossible to see light. They aren’t set up for that. They’re set up so that you take the risk anyway, and then light shows up on your first step. Kind of like that old Billie Jean Michael Jackson video where the squares light up only as he steps on them. Before the step, the light isn’t there, and after the step, it’s gone. Not knowing what’s on the step, but just trusting that it’ll be lit up by the time your foot lands on it.
Right now…I need some lit up steps. I need to just step, I think. To move. Literally and figuratively. I’m scared. And wonder what will happen. But I’m going to do it anyway. The unknown is possibly the scariest situation for us humans, and it’s all over the place, always, and pretty much never goes away. But, like I’ve said many times before, nothing cool and amazing ever happens from being too comfortable, from staying in one place. I think it’s time for me to let go of some things. Let go of Oakland and my life here, let go of Costa Rica, let go of any pre-conceived notions of how my life needs to or should look, let go of rules I made up a long time ago.
I’ve been avoiding this blog post. I didn’t want to write when I was in this state. I’ve been feeling emotional, crazy, vulnerable. Three of my least favorite emotions. But I can’t avoid you forever and I don’t want to. This is all part of letting go of what everything needs to look like, including this blog. I’m here, darnit. In this real place. Why not share, right?
In the airport on our way home from Costa Rica, Natalie shared this quote with me. It felt so appropriate then, and feels even more so now.
“In the end, what matters most is how well did you live, how well did you love, and how well did you learn to let go.” -Confucius
And since this is about letting go, I will leave you with my very last Costa Rica video. I started to make it on the airplane home, two weeks ago, but hadn’t looked at it since because I didn’t feel like crying (again). Phew. Just admitting all this makes me feel better. I’m human. I have real human emotions. No sense beating myself up over it.
Tell me I’m not alone! :-) Have you ever felt this way? Leave a comment and let me know what here has resonated with you.