August 6th, 2012
I can’t get out of bed. Reframe…I don’t want to get out of bed. Because that means I have to face the day.
I woke up early this morning. About the time that the sun was coming out and immediately felt all of my emotions, from the past two months, rush to my face. I tried to stop the flood, but ultimately couldn’t and so I cried and cried.
Today marks the end of something and the beginning of something else. The end of life as I know it up to this point. A collection of all the people and things and places that have been, and I’m embarking on another adventure, whose destination is unknown.
I did this before, last year, when I put all my stuff in storage, and got in an RV to travel around the country. It was exciting and scary and I had a partner in crime. Natalie, my dog, and I went on this journey together. And while this next adventure might look similar in path and vehicle (road trip…some sort of auto), everything else is different.
I’m alone. I don’t know where I’m going to go. And this time, there is someone that I love, back at home, that isn’t coming with me, and may or may not be the right fit for me and may or may not be there when I get back. This changes the game.
And yet, I feel called to go. I know it’s right. I imagine myself driving down the open highway with the wind in my hair, the sun shining ahead, watching the flowers in the fields to my right sway in the wind and the puffy white clouds of the Wyoming sky envelop my entire being. I imagine cool nights and big trees. I imagine being scared but exhilarated. And dipping my toes in rivers and starting campfires and reading books and twirling around in a beautiful field somewhere.
I don’t know where I’ll end up, I don’t know what will happen. All I know is I’m going, and that it needs to happen. And I want it to. And it starts today. So send me some love. Although I’m really excited, I’m also scared out of my mind. I’m sad to leave Mr. B, and the comfort of his care. I’m worried that I will be lonely out there or that it’ll be scary. I wonder how it’s all going to turn out and where I’ll be by the end.
And this is the stuff of life. Big, exhilarating ideas, urges to do things, and then the fear that comes along with it. The tears that say both “I don’t wannnnnnna go” and “I am so thrilled to go.” We never know how it turns out. We just have to follow the spark and know that we end up where we need to. And become who we’re supposed to.
I can’t thank you enough for reading. For being a part of my journey. For loving and caring and living your OWN life in a way that’s exciting/scary and sparked. You inspire me.
So before I pack, get in my car, and start driving, I created this little video. A collection of pics from the time I got back from my last RV trip in January, to now. A visual marker of the last six ish months. To remember and appreciate. I can’t wait to take you all along for the ride this time around. Sending you all hugs and kisses.