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The Most Attractive Thing About A Woman, Says This One Dude


Aaron Steinberg is my resident “dude” in my new, “Ask A Dude” series. Where all us ladies get to have our questions answered by a super cool guy, who is totally in love with his girlfriend and thinks about relationships all the time (score!).  Check the bottom of the post to ask your own question!

Q: What’s the most attractive quality in a woman?

A: In my time on the dating scene, I’ve been with lots of wonderful girls, and I’ve noticed how many beautiful and cool women exist in the world.  It makes me think: what sets a particular girl apart from the rest?  Why have I wanted to stay with my girlfriend for a long time, when I’ve ran away from lots of other girls?  What quality or qualities in a person make us want to brave the challenges of relationships?  I think these questions, and the title question of this article, share one common answer: confidence, love of self.

Guys find different things attractive, from looks to, as I talked about, whether a girl wants to have sex on the first date.  Consequently, I often end up answering relationship questions by stating the two extreme opinions and then I talk about how to find a balance.  In this case, however, I think that guys, fairly universally, would say confidence sets some girls apart from the rest.

No one feels completely secure, and this is a ridiculous expectation.  Also, some guys—me included, in the past—seek out girls who don’t feel totally good about their lives so they feels like heroes, sometimes referred to as a Prince Charming Complex (I’m sure ladies do this as well).  But for most confidence sparks the initial attraction and is the quality that keeps the romance going.

It’s easy to tell right when you meet someone if he or she are confident and happy with themselves.  During a night out, guys tend to be more interested in the girl who shows confidence than any of her other friends, even she’s not the most physically attractive.

As romance with one person continues to grow, every relationship reaches a point where both people question “where it’s going.”  At that point, you start to consider how a life with the other person would look.  We know that beauty fades, attraction ebbs and flows, interests evolve and change, but what keeps us interested to continue to be with another person is how confident she is in her life.  It’s just exhausting to be with someone who generally doesn’t like herself, and very few guys, people really, want to choose to expend that energy over the long term.  Someone who is confident inspires us and keeps us desiring her.

I think love of self provides more return on investment than any other aspect of your life you could work on.  Instead of buying new stuff or trying to change your image, figure out what you actually like about yourself, what makes you enjoy your life, and enact those things.  That confidence will set you apart from other women.

Have your own question for Aaron? Email them to me at 

Aaron F. Steinberg is a life coach specializing in one-on-one poker psychology and romance coaching. He loves both because money and love are such challenging and important topics for most people; they are amazing avenues for spiritual and psychological work. He has a CPCC life coaching certification from the Coaches Training Institute and is a Master’s Candidate in Integral Psychology at John F. Kennedy University. While Aaron has written for various blogs, currently he doesn’t have a website, so if you’re interested in working with him you can contact him at–he’d love to tell you more about what he does and give you a free sample session. He happily lives in Oakland, CA with his girlfriend.

Aaron poker

4 Responses to The Most Attractive Thing About A Woman, Says This One Dude

  1. Erica Simanonok says:

    I completely agree with this article and I know I attracted my current boyfriend because I was incredibly confident the night I met him. Unfortunately, the tides have changed. Now I’m not the confident one.. not because of some conjured-up insecurity, but as a direct result of his actions. He cheated on me.

    So now I am in a relationship where I am not confident… but I wouldn’t say it’s even my fault. So how do guys look at this? Am I still going to be judged based on my insecurities? Or do you think guys would take a step back to realize their actions have warranted this very natural response to infidelity?

    Recently I had an emotional breakdown with my boyfriend.. again. It’s always the same.. tears..anger..frustration.. the feeling of hopelessness and helplessness… I told him how my self confidence was so damaged by what happened, and he said to me, “I thought your insecurity was just you.. now I see that it was due to me.” All I could think was, “REALLY?” Now I have little faith that he’ll be able to see the complexity of the situation and I fear I will be judged based on my emotions/insecurities now. In addition, I don’t know how to be that confident, vibrant girl again.


    Thank you :)

    • Aaron F. Steinberg says:

      Hi Erica,

      Thanks for this incredibly transparent and potentially vulnerable comment. I don’t really have an answer, per se, but more so just some thoughts on what you said.

      First, I really appreciate you acknowledging the complexity of the situation, as the psyche and human relationships are very complicated and we don’t actually have a terribly firm grasp on what the answers are. Many camps think: “Oh it’s just this, or that,” but all of the people who think they have it figured out have very obvious limitations. When I approach these problems for in my own life; I try to look at what seems to make the most sense for what I currently know and what I currently want. I try to look at clues and come to some good guesses as to how to approach it.

      That’s of course, however, very general. So here is some more specificity. I ask you to approach what I am saying with the attitude that these are just things that come to mind for me, and are not necessarily truth, but could be.

      Insecurity is a tricky topic, because it really only means something in context. As you said, your insecurity was triggered–I think a better word–by the actions of your boyfriend. However, he triggered it and you are the one enacting it. It’s a reflection of something inside of you that is perhaps feeling afraid, unloved, or maybe something totally different. Maybe this is a reflection of some trauma, or series of minor traumas or stories, that have built up in you and are now coming to the surface through this particular trigger. For example, if someone gets cheated on and feels insecure, a very cliche and simple analysis is that it makes you feel some combination of unloved, not good enough, etc. and that could remind you of how your parents were not around very much and you took that to mean there was something wrong with you. Then your spunky, confident exterior is simply a shell of reaction to that childhood, trying to convince yourself that you are better than those things that your parents made you feel. Again, however, I’m totally making this up and I’m just giving examples. In practice, it’s way more complicated than this and people can react in the same way on the surface and have two totally different reasons, or even similar reasons with different subtle details. All these things mix together to form our conscious reality, and the best we can do is guess what steps to take and interventions to do with the purpose of achieving fulfillment, happiness, or enlightenment, or whatever your goals are. Additionally, note this implies it’s not your fault or his fault, but both and neither of your faults. You have something going on inside you that he triggered and now continues to trigger. There is no need really to assign him or you as the culprit unless it serves a discovery of how to be better partners, and that can mean not being partners romantically.

      There are many different ways to address this discovering process. One is to try to get clearer about what it is that he does now that triggers you, and find agreements on how to move forward more fluidly, i.e. he alters his behavior to match your needs and vice versa. You can also do your other part and do some work with what you’re feeling, that could be through therapy, body work, meditation, workshops, yoga, or anything else that feels like a good internal exploration for you. Uncover and “digest” what is inside that is making you feel uncomfortable. Some people would also say, and this kind of addresses your last sentence, is that you can practice the confident, vibrant you and remind yourself of how that girl acted and bring her back. Personally, I have a hard time with this because I think, to be really hyperbolic, that it’s like curing cancer with pain medication, i.e. you deal with the symptoms and not the root cause. Basically, I believe you want to find the root cause through different types of internal exploration. I think when your internal state comes to wholeness and you’re able to process everything that has happened, you will naturally enact the most vibrant you because all of you is shining on the surface. And you will get there.

      To touch on guys in general and transition into another related point. I find a lot of beauty and strength in women who will admit they are having a rough time and put everything on the table, yet some guys just don’t see that as either their role or an integral part of romance. It simply depends. And my point in saying that is to comment on your little faith that he’ll be able to see the complexity. We tend to pick partners that meet our current needs–often those needs are unconscious and that can cause a lot of those relationships where your friends and family are super opposed to it–but our needs evolve and change as our outer and inner lives change. Maybe you’re right and he won’t be able to support where you’re at right now or maybe this process can help you to grow tremendously as partners and get to an even better place on the other side of this rockiness. I really appreciate this kind of stuff because the situations like the one you’re facing are such outlets for growth and strength. I think partnerships need to go through this–not necessarily cheating, but to let each other in on tough transitions–to create the right bonds for the many adjustments and changes that take place for individuals and couples during long term relationships.

      Hope this helps,

  2. M says:

    This is great whether you’re looking for a guy or not. Couldn’t this also attract positive friendships? Nice work, Aaron!

    • Sallyhope says:

      Absolutely! I think “relationships” in general can always benefit from this advice. Friendships, family, bosses, etc. Thanks so much for writing in!

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