Aaron Steinberg is my resident “dude” in my new, “Ask A Dude” series. Where all us ladies get to have our questions answered by a super cool guy, who is totally in love with his girlfriend and thinks about relationships all the time (score!).  Check the bottom of the post to ask your own question!

Q: What’s the most attractive quality in a woman?

A: In my time on the dating scene, I’ve been with lots of wonderful girls, and I’ve noticed how many beautiful and cool women exist in the world.  It makes me think: what sets a particular girl apart from the rest?  Why have I wanted to stay with my girlfriend for a long time, when I’ve ran away from lots of other girls?  What quality or qualities in a person make us want to brave the challenges of relationships?  I think these questions, and the title question of this article, share one common answer: confidence, love of self.

Guys find different things attractive, from looks to, as I talked about, whether a girl wants to have sex on the first date.  Consequently, I often end up answering relationship questions by stating the two extreme opinions and then I talk about how to find a balance.  In this case, however, I think that guys, fairly universally, would say confidence sets some girls apart from the rest.

No one feels completely secure, and this is a ridiculous expectation.  Also, some guys—me included, in the past—seek out girls who don’t feel totally good about their lives so they feels like heroes, sometimes referred to as a Prince Charming Complex (I’m sure ladies do this as well).  But for most confidence sparks the initial attraction and is the quality that keeps the romance going.

It’s easy to tell right when you meet someone if he or she are confident and happy with themselves.  During a night out, guys tend to be more interested in the girl who shows confidence than any of her other friends, even she’s not the most physically attractive.

As romance with one person continues to grow, every relationship reaches a point where both people question “where it’s going.”  At that point, you start to consider how a life with the other person would look.  We know that beauty fades, attraction ebbs and flows, interests evolve and change, but what keeps us interested to continue to be with another person is how confident she is in her life.  It’s just exhausting to be with someone who generally doesn’t like herself, and very few guys, people really, want to choose to expend that energy over the long term.  Someone who is confident inspires us and keeps us desiring her.

I think love of self provides more return on investment than any other aspect of your life you could work on.  Instead of buying new stuff or trying to change your image, figure out what you actually like about yourself, what makes you enjoy your life, and enact those things.  That confidence will set you apart from other women.

Have your own question for Aaron? Email them to me at sally@sallyhope.com. 

Aaron F. Steinberg is a life coach specializing in one-on-one poker psychology and romance coaching. He loves both because money and love are such challenging and important topics for most people; they are amazing avenues for spiritual and psychological work. He has a CPCC life coaching certification from the Coaches Training Institute and is a Master’s Candidate in Integral Psychology at John F. Kennedy University. While Aaron has written for various blogs, currently he doesn’t have a website, so if you’re interested in working with him you can contact him at aaronfsteinberg@gmail.com–he’d love to tell you more about what he does and give you a free sample session. He happily lives in Oakland, CA with his girlfriend.

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