I had a completely different post ready to go for you today. But as I sit here at my kitchen table, with my green tea steaming in my favorite mug to my left, my new green sharpie in my hand writing in my journal to my right, and looking up to my backyard completely blanketed with snow right in front of me, this moment is the one I want to share with you.
The sun hasn’t come up yet, but it’s not dark. It’s in that in between place of not quite morning yet and definitely not night. Every moment I look outside, it’s a little bit brighter, but the sky is gray and cold.
Yesterday was our first big snow of the year. The kind of snow where you know it’s here to stay. Not the kind of snow we get in October where it could all melt away within hours and I could be on my motorcycle by the afternoon.
No. This is the kind of snow where you know it’s time to bring the shovels out from storage, and start looking for new winter boots.
I’ve been in Montana for five winters, so I’m not new to how it all goes, but this year feels really different. Colder. More snowy already. I don’t feel ready for it.
And it might be this feeling of resistance or it might be where my mind is at but I was awaken in the middle of the night last night by bad nightmares that sent me to sleep paralysis, which kind of like the time of day right now, is an in between time between being awake and being asleep.
Your eyes are open, but your brain isn’t awake. You’re not sure if you’re still dreaming, but you can’t speak or think clearly. This used to happen to me in my old apartment on Main Street that was confirmed to be haunted by an energy clearer I hired once.
Needless to say, when I wake up from a night like this, I’m a bit shaken up. I wake up with that feeling of anxiety or dread in my chest, for no good apparent reason, since things in my life aren’t all that different than any other day.
I ask myself “Is it because I just had to pay my quarterly taxes and my property taxes are due and I had to deal with health insurance yesterday and being an adult homeowner doing it on my own feels hard?”
And then “when it feels hard I get frustrated that I don’t have a partner and have to do it all on my own…”
And then “I’ll ALWAYS have to do it on my own…”
And then down the rabbit hole I go of all my biggest fears until the anxiety builds up in my chest.
And so I do the only thing I know how to do now…meditate. I begin long deep belly breathing. I go back to a meditation that I taught in class this week about “removing haunting thoughts” by recognizing what they are, forgiving yourself and anyone else involved, and then handing to trouble over to a higher source. And then I listen to one of my favorite mantras that is about removing the blocks to abundance. And I go back to long deep breathing, shining more light on the feelings that are happening, not making them wrong, but loving them and myself the whole time.
I begin to calm down. Feel better even. And not in that fake way where you just tell yourself you’re ok to “fake it til you make it” but in that way where you know that it’s ok to feel exactly what you’re feeling, and it’s also ok to get up and decide to face it all.
So I throw the blankets off and get out of bed, but as I’m doing that, I see the abandoned book on my nightstand and something tells me to pick it up. It’s Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love, Is That True?” and I read the chapter I left off on and it has an exercise where you write down all the things that you wouldn’t want anyone to know about you.
And I do that. From my kitchen table, with my green tea steaming to my left, and the view of the snow-filled back yard right in front of me. And I discover that there is a lot in there that I didn’t realize. And that it feels good to just become aware and write it down, because I know that the more light you shine on something, the easier it is for the darkness to subside. Even if at first what you see in the light is painful.
And I realize that I want to share THIS moment with you. The one that feels a little dark and alone, but also emerging light. It’s inevitable. No matter what I do or what happens in my life, day is going to come.
And I wonder what in your life feels like this. What place you’re at. What darkness you’re feeling. Or what lightness you want to feel more of. And I imagine that no matter what your particular situation is, you might recognize some of my story in your own life.
And, like me, you find solace in knowing that there is something you can DO to examine your life and move through it and be intentional about creating what you want. To me, this is the value of meditating.
It doesn’t make us have a perfect life. But it does let us look at the life we have through fresh eyes and it helps us to be really real about our emotions so that we can decide, and be intentional with how we want to proceed.
And as a goal oriented person, this works for me. I imagine it probably would for you too.
In my last email I mentioned something exciting that was coming up and I’m happy to say that what is coming up is very much in line with this.
It’s all about being intentional with the life we want to have, especially going into the New Year, and about clearing the things we want to let go of from this year. And it’s all wrapped up in a really potent 40 day meditation that has proven results, some of which I’ll share with you very soon.
I’m not quite ready to open the cart yet, but I will have more info very soon. In the meantime, mark your calendars for November 22, which is when we’ll start creating our futures, together.
Make sure you sign up for my list and look for an email next week that will give you all the details. And in the meantime, I hope you enjoy today, snowy gray sky or sunny blue sky.
And as always, I love hearing from you. So please reply to this message and let me know what resonates with you from this email, and definitely let me know if you’re interested in what’s coming up so I can put you on the VIP list. Cuz…who doesn’t want to feel all special? :)
Send me warm and cozy vibes!