February 13th, 2014
It was 2008 and I was with my boyfriend at the time. I was “too cool” for Valentine’s Day (“stupid Hallmark holiday,” and “why should we only have ONE day to celebrate love for each other…we should appreciate each other every day” sorta thing).
And so I told him “we don’t need to celebrate. I think it’s a stupid holiday.”
To which he agreed.
And so February 14th rolled around and……..nothing.
No phone call. No text. No “Just kidding! Suprise! I totally love you and got you something anyway!” delivery at my door.
And I spent the entire day checking my phone and getting madder and madder that there was no communication from him.
“He must not love me” I thought.
“How could he not even call!?”
And the more that the day went on, the more blame I placed on him.
The more I internalized and took personally the lack of Valentine’s love I was receiving (even though I had told him not to give it). I had too much pride (stubbornness) to reach out to him, so I sat there…mad. And went out shopping.
When I got back to my house, there was a package waiting for me. Not your typical box of chocolates (because I don’t like that stuff), but something that was personally meaningful to me. PLUS a handmade gift.
And guess who felt like the asshole who didn’t get her boyfriend anything for Valentine’s Day and didn’t even call him?
Not only did I want something I said I didn’t want, and then got mad when I didn’t get it, but I didn’t tell my loved one that I loved him, out of pride (stubbornness).
Our patterns with love are so wrapped up in so many things. And because of this we hold ourselves back. All the time.
We’re afraid that if we tell someone we love them, and then end up leaving them at some point, it’ll hurt more, so we don’t tell them we love them when we actually do.
We’re afraid that if we tell someone we love them and they don’t love us back we will break into a million little pieces.
We’re afraid that if we share our truths, our wants, our desires, that someone will love us less because of them.
And so we keep it all in and then blame THEM when they don’t give you a gift that you told them not to give you. (oops).
This story reminded me of two super important things…
1) Don’t say you don’t want something when you do.
(And if you say you don’t want it, don’t be mad when you don’t get it.)
2) Tell the people you love, that you love them. Even if it might hurt. Even if you might have to take it back someday. Even if you aren’t sure.
I struggle with this, to be honest. But it’s my edge. It’s my Wildheart life.
I now know that Valentine’s Day isn’t as important to me as it might be to some people, but it IS important. And that’s ok. Even if it is a dumb Hallmark Holiday.
What do you think? Do you celebrate Valentine’s day? What do you do when you get scared by love? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
And if you want to learn how to figure out what the heck your love style is and how to communicate it…check out the Wildheart Revolution. These kinds of conversations happen on the daily inside this super cool community of (peaceful) rebels. Won’t you join us?