The inspiration is just not hitting. And I don’t like anything I’m writing.
You know how sometimes you’re just in the creative flow and sometimes you’re just not? And when you’re not, trying to be creative is like trying to drag a 13 year old to a city hall meeting. It’s boring. And you hate it. And you want to throw a tantrum. And leave. And flip your parents the bird and be like “I’m outta here!”
As I write this I feel like that 13 year old. Kind of over it. Kind of irritable. Definitely ready for a nap or to watch TV and just do something else other than sit here and write.
And then I remember that I made a commitment to you five weeks back. A commitment that promised that I would write to you every week. That not only was that important for me to be connected to you again, but it was important for me to be connected to my creative self again, after taking what felt like a forever-long hiatus.
And then I remember something I learned in Kundalini Teacher Training, which is that commitment is the first first step to happiness.
And then I remember how resistant I’ve always been to that word, as though commitment meant shackles and tying me down to something I can’t get out of. Being stuck without options. Or…just stuck in general.
And then I remember all the times in my life where I broke my commitments, or never did things where I had to actually stay committed. Things like turning down the lead in Wizard of Oz (Dorothy, yes) after I worked so hard to get the roll. Or turning down the only girl spot in a very special hand-selected mentorship in writing one summer in high school. Or how I said yes to the Master’s program at Cal Poly in marriage and family therapy (after spending over 8 months trying to get in) only to then say no so I could pursue coaching.
And how those things always gave me such pride. As though I was taking the road less traveled. Which is true in some senses, but in my life, the road less traveled would actually be the one in which I honor the commitments to myself and others.(For the record I’m happy with the choices in my life thus far.)
And so I sit here, writing to you even though I feel like a 13 year old, who doesn’t feel like it. Humbled from it being day 23 of a 40 day commitment I made to myself to do a specific Kundalini yoga set and meditation every day. And feeling happiness because I’m doing what I said I would do.
There is something to be said to keeping your word. To being in integrity with the decisions that you make to yourself and other people. And maybe, just maybe my Kundalini teachers are right that commitment is the first step to happiness.
There’s a certain amount of freedom within structure.
I definitely feel happier typing these very last words to you than I did 15 minutes before when I was ready to throw my computer in the pool while thinking to myself “they probably won’t notice if I don’t write this week. I’m sure it’s fine.”
But it’s not fine.
Do what you say you’re going to do. Be in integrity with your commitments to yourself and others. Experience happiness. (TWEET THIS!)
Note to self.
How about you? Have you had a rocky relationship with the word commitment? Have you been able to find happiness within your own commitments to yourself and others?
If so I want to hear about it in the comments below. Answer these questions:
“My relationship with commitment is _________” and then “One thing I want to commit to this week is ________.”
And if you know someone who needs to hear this message, please “like” and “share” it with your friends by clicking the little buttons on the sidebar above. (You rock, thank you.)
Your sister in happiness (and commitment),
P.s. One of the next things I’m committing to is virtual online Kundalini yoga classes. It’s gonna be rad. Promise. Get on this list to make sure you’re in the loop when that goes live.