August 20th, 2014
Not last week, but the week before (“24 robbers came knocking at my door” just kidding but extra points for anyone who knows what that’s from…anywho…moving on) I took a vacation.
I know this doesn’t seem like news. And it isn’t really. But in my own personal life, it was of very significant importance.
The Sunday before my vacation started, I lost my shit. Again. Couldn’t keep all my emotions inside.
For anyone who has been around for the past six months, you’ve seen a lot of tears happen. You’ve witnessed me sob on the floor. Grasp, search, and feel oh so lost.
And it all came to a head (again) a couple Sundays ago.
I was in that place that we all get to, when you finally feel like you’re “done” with whatever challenge you’re facing. Like “yep…I’m good. Handled that and it’s over with. YAY! Wash my hands of it and I’m moving on. Sweet! I”M FREEEEEEE!”
Because then you KNOW what happens.
It creeps back in unexpectedly when you see 25 license plates in one day (no joke) of the state where your ex lives even though the state is a billion miles away. Or you hear a song that reminds you of them. Or you’re struggling and forget that you can’t call the person that used to help with that particular type of struggle. Or you stumble upon a FB tagged post with them and another girl.
(I know you know what I’m talking about).
And then you cry and cry while you’re in yoga class and go home and read through all your emails from that person, basically torturing yourself while wondering, “is it time to reconnect and reach out?”
But then, you decide to sleep on it. Ride the wave. Be WITH the pain of whatever you’re feeling, knowing that whatever “solution” you were imagining (reaching out, getting on an airplane, becoming a nun) isn’t going to solve the “problem” because the answer doesn’t live outside yourself. AND there is another person involved who has their own agenda.
And this is where I was when I woke up on the Monday morning that my Team basically ordered me to take a no emails, no internet, no work-vacation (first in five years…CRAZY).
Needless to say, this has been a time of growth for me. Everything has changed in one short year. I built Wildheart out of thin air and got it to the place I wanted it to be.
Where it is a beautiful and loving family of souls on fire. And sometimes when you actually get what you want, you feel lost.
Even in terms of this said “breakup” mentioned above.
To be absolutely truthful, the relationship as we did it at the time, didn’t work. Ever. There was always distance (literal and figurative) and drama and struggle. We never appeared to be on the same page, minus a few blissful moments. When he was fully into it, I resisted. When I was fully into it, he resisted. And that’s not the type of dynamic I want in my “true love” scenario.
But yet, when you’re dealing with emotions and ego and fear of “will I be alone forever? And that man was absolutely incredible and whyyyyyyyyyy can’t it workkkkkkk??” and in the memory of all the absolutely ridiculously amazing times you had together, things get messy. And hard. And sad. And you forget about all the things that didn’t work and all the pain that happened at the end. And then you find yourself sobbing during your shavasana.
I’ve been reading a book lately that I’m really working with, Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver. And it reminds me of something psychic Licia Morelli said on a guest coaching call inside the Wildheart Revolution this week.
Which is…the answers all come in the space BETWEEN thought and action. (Click to Tweet that!)
In rest. In being quiet. In the calm place. Not in the thinking, worrying, or fear place.
That all the answers are both within us and also we have no control over anything other than the way we go through life. And that there is an inner wisdom that will guide us if we let it.
That week, my guides led me to a vacation, which was the absolute best thing ever. And in that space between, I found a glimmer of faith. The understanding that things somehow always just work out for the greater good. That the Universe/God/Goddess/Higher Power will not let us miss an opportunity that is right for us, and will not let us be in a situation that is wrong for us.
I literally have to have faith in this. Or else I’ll fall apart. Again. And probably will. In which case you’ll be hearing about it. :) But that’s life. I seriously have come to the understanding that life is a big bunch of swings of the pendulum. We feel great then we feel horrible then somewhere in between then great again. It’s the swinging and changing that makes it life. And that’s ok.
So all we can do is sink into the space between our thoughts and actions, and trust that in letting go and surrendering to what the Universe has in store for us in our best, brightest life, that things just work out. (Click to Tweet that!)
It’s a calming thought. And one that I literally have to practice every single day because it sure as hell doesn’t come naturally to this Scorpio control freak who wants to weave the web of my life into a perfect beautiful scenario.
But in these spaces between, it feels like heaven.
It feels good to hand it all over to “someone else” saying “you take care of it! I’ll just be here open to receiving whatever messages you have for me.”
My best friend and I have been giggling lately about this concept. It reminded me of the phrase “let go and let God,” which didn’t mean diddly to me until now. Or that Carrie Underwood song “Jesus Take The Wheel.”
Regardless of religious preferences, this is the place I’m at. Laying down the sword. Bowing on the ground, forehead on the Earth. Literally saying out loud…”please guide me, please help me, I can’t do it alone” while clutching whatever crystals I have in my hands and sleeping with them under the pillow. Because, hey, why not throw everything at it.
I don’t know where this space between will lead me, but I feel like I’m on a new path. And at the very least, I’m letting go and letting god. In the best way I know how.
The future is always 100% unknown, and yet, we all forget that. Up to now, I was worrying myself sick with the idea that there was actually something I could DO to change how I was feeling and the situation I was in. And in those quiet moments, I realized that the only action was necessary was to let go. Freefall.
And so here I am…falling. In that place of utter unknown. About love. About the future. And walking this path knowing that there has got to be some inner light that is guiding me (right?) Does this sound utterly ridiculous? Probably. But whatev. That’s where I’m at.
How about you? Where are you at? Are you feeling lost, worried, scared about the future? Do you feel like time is slipping away? Do you have a broken heart too? Are you feeling like you might lose your shit too? Are you better than me at “letting go”?
If so, let’s support each other. I would love to know where you’re at in the comments below.
In it together,