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Billy Ray Cyrus. Choice. And Wanting Someone Who Doesn’t Want You Back.

You know that feeling when you want to be with someone and they don’t want to be with you back? And you can’t possibly imagine how that can be. Like, how can it be that I think you are so perfect for me and you just don’t feel the same way? You say, “we’re perfect together…why can’t you see that?” And you sit there and think and think about all the ways it’s such a perfect union. We have common interests. We have the same values. Everyone agrees that we make a great couple. We like to do the same things and when we’re together, it’s electric. And we have a lot of fun. (“Remember that one time when we did that one thing that was super awesome?!”) You are the sun and the moon and the stars, etc etc. And you imagine the day when he’ll just realize that you were his dream girl all along. And then it’s happy ever after (and you can finally have that wedding you have been dreaming about).

And then you see him with another girl. And it breaks your heart. And you feel bad about yourself and decide that you are going to be alone forever. That this is the ONLY person that would ever make you feel the way you felt. Your one true love is now in the arms of another. Game over. Devastation.

I’ve been thinking about love today. Like I do, all the time. And came upon this question in my head. If you think that someone is perfect for you, and they don’t seem to agree that you are perfect for them, what does that mean? Where does that leave you? How is it possible that you can be wrong?

I’ve been reading “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” which should be called “The Seven Things Every Person Needs to Know About Life, Period,” and although it wasn’t talking directly about love, it speaks to it wonderfully.

One of the chapters is all about choice. That no matter what we think, we have a choice about every single thing in our lives. I may not choose for someone I like to not like me back, but I have a choice in how I feel about it. I can either choose to let it ruin my day, or choose not to let it ruin my day.

And I know what you’re thinking.

That this is bullshit because we feel how we feel and we can’t help it. That it’s not up to us how we feel.

And I used to be of that school of thought. That something happens and I react. I feel a certain way. And that’s true. You may not be able to choose what initial reaction shows up, but you can choose how to feel about that initial reaction. The book notes that it’s important to differentiate between what you’re reacting to. When we react to something, we aren’t reacting to the person, but rather to our feelings about that person. And our attachment to our feelings get us in trouble, every time.

I don’t actually know the answer to how it can be that we want someone that doesn’t want us back. But I can postulate. And in that…this is what I’ve come up with:

1) Love is about a mutual choice to be with someone. If it’s not mutual, i.e. they don’t want to be with you, it’s not meant to be. Period.
2) People tend to want what they can’t have, so perhaps, this person isn’t actually “perfect” for you after all, but rather you get to make up the story that they are simply because you can’t be with them. You imagine this perfection, in your head. And that’s not real.
3) True love shouldn’t make you feel bad about yourself. If you feel that way, it’s not a good fit.

I’ve been on both sides of this spectrum, and when I’m on the side of “I don’t like you back” I’ve just always felt like it just wasn’t the right fit. The guy could be the most amazing guy on the planet, but it just didn’t feel right to me. He didn’t do anything wrong. He’s awesome. Just not for me. Sometimes things don’t make sense. We can’t rationalize the WHY’s of the love world. Be we do have choice.

So my only answer to why someone you love doesn’t love you back is that that is the Universe’s way of protecting you from the wrong fit. It’s just not right for you. That relationship ultimately wouldn’t make you happy and feel fulfilled. And you can’t make it be right. And you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t make a mistake. Love finds its way to us. And we never know when or how it’s going to show up. But choose to be open to that. And then choose to feel differently about whoever is pulling on your heartstrings.

And here’s an exercise. Anytime you feel all bummy about love, or feel that kick in your gut when you stumble upon a pic of your ex with a new girl, go outside and take a walk and BE PRESENT to what’s around you. I’m serious. Be there, in that moment, on that walk. See the skyline. And the trees. And feel the ground beneath you. Breath in the air. Be grateful for what you have, right here and right now. So much suffering happens when we’re living in the past (memories of how amazing it was with your ex, or the visual of that pesky pic of him and that new girl) and the future (imagining that you guys will get back together and have a million babies), but real truth lies in the present moment. So go for a walk. Get present. And accept that everything is as it should be.

You are not alone. And you’re not doomed to be a lonely old lady with cats. What you want, wants you, ultimately, and everyone else in between is just practice.

And all this reminded me of the song “Achy Breaky Heart” so Natalie and I took the liberty to learn the line dance for you. :) Enjoy.

P.s. If you enjoyed this post and you want to be a part of the Wildheart Revolution…make sure you sign up for my mailing list HERE.

32 Responses to Billy Ray Cyrus. Choice. And Wanting Someone Who Doesn’t Want You Back.

  1. OMGGG I SO HAD TO LEARN THAT DANCE IN HIGH SCHOOL GYM CLASS….HAHAHAHA!

    Awesome post. Kind of needed to hear it today. <3

    • Sallyhope says:

      HAHAHHAHAH! Dude…when I see you, we WILL be doing the Achy Breaky Heart together. That’s a given. And I’m glad it resonated with you. Unrequited love is one of the worst feelings because it feels so out of our control. But, if we look at it differently, we see there is so much to learn. Oh, this crazy little thing called life…

  2. AvidExplorer says:

    Tell Natalie I LOVE HER!! We haven’t met yet, I know, but it will happen. I don’t know which I enjoyed more, the dance or the blog!! This whole ‘Universe providing’ thing has manifest itself so often in my life the last few years. The issue that keeps tripping me up is my willingness to surrender to it. (You and I both have a tendency to overthink things, I think!!) I don’t perceive myself as a control freak, or even someone who is anything but a laid-back Southern gal, but I have begun to recognize that I may try to manipulate my thoughts to fit what I think needs to happen or might happen, or whatever. (And who wants to perceive themselves as a manipulator, right? Ewww…) There is this whole aspect of confusion over the difference between ‘Manifest Your Destiny’ and ‘Let It Be’. It’s weird. How you posted this, just when I have been cautiously thinking about doing something COMPLETELY out of character for me because a dear friend encouraged me to NOT try to make what the Universe offers me into anything other than a beautiful moment just because I have pre-conceived ideas about what direction I think that moment might lead and what the implications of that could be. Your # 1 just shot me like an arrow. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sally. It takes courage to put your thoughts and feelings in bold print and send them out into the cyberworld and be ever-hopeful that someone, somewhere might catch them up and examine them and go “Oh. Wow.” Now I am going on a walk. And then I am going to come back and practice Miley’s Daddy’s dance…

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey lady! I did tell her and she got all excited and is looking forward to meeting you. :)

      And I hear you about the manifesting vs. surrendering. I’ve thought a lot about that. I think the trick is to be super clear in the intention of the end result of what you want, but letting go of the “how” we are going to get there. The vision part is important, and the surrender comes in when we let it all go. I know…it seems counterintuitive.

      I’m glad this post spoke to you. Let me know if you need an extra support surrounding this stuff. Also…I’m going to be writing much more about love and relationships. Any topics in particular you’d like to see?

  3. Ashley says:

    Another great article Sally! Love the line dancing — I could definitely use some of that and a beer to top off this week.

    One of my friends said something interesting this week. She said most of us say we want to be more present, but we don’t REALLY want that. Because to be present sometimes means to be uncomfortable. Slowing down means feeling. And feeling can be scary.

    It’s like — we think if we could just master this “present thing” we’d live in a constant state of bliss and nothing would ever get us down. But that’s not what real living is. It’s yin and yang, light and dark, cold and hot. You can’t experience moments of being completely open to pure, ecstatic wonder if you’re not open to experiencing darkness.

    Again, love your writing girl!

    XO
    Ashley

    • Sallyhope says:

      You’re absolutely right Ashley. The goal of being present isn’t to eliminate pain or feelings. It’s just simple to shift our perspective a bit. To just be reacting to what’s actually there, instead of what’s in our head. There is no “solution” to the problems of life. Just different things we can try to navigate through life. And the yin and yang is absolutely important. I love your thoughts on this. And yes…let’s hang out!!! Anything fun going on this weekend?

  4. Keri says:

    omg I so needed to read that today! I’m going on a walk…. :)

  5. shanna says:

    Ha, Sally! I so needed to read this today! Going to get on with my bad achy-breaky-hearted self and taking a spin on the Vespa on this truly glorious day. Glorious, yes it is…

  6. Ann McMahon says:

    Hey Sally, been there, worn that yukky t-shirt, took forever to learn that lesson.Got over it. Thanks for the reminder. Hey this is kind of random but did you know Colin Farrell used to be a line dance instructor before he was an actor. And an ex of his has written an achingly (breakingingly) beautiful book called ‘Your Voice in my Head’. You should read it.

  7. Erin says:

    Hi Sally,

    I love that you touched on this topic. Thanks so much!

    However, your wording is confusing to me….and I hope to help to clear up some of your language for people reading this. I do not mean to be critical, and I realize that you did not request this, but because words, come from our thoughts, they are very important.
    I believe THAT is what you are really doing your best to communicate here.

    “You may not be able to choose what initial reaction shows up, but you can choose how to feel about that initial reaction.”
    We do NOT have a choice of how we feel. Feelings are not negotiable.
    And, what you do with those feelings are a choice. What the book you refer to does it’s best to convey is to teach people, to feel, think and THEN act. When most people feel, react, then think about everything later including what they did.
    Ralph Waldo Emerson said:
    “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow
    a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.”

    Action includes words, because when words are used, they are either being spoken, signed, typed, or read. All verbs.
    Love is not just a feeling. Love is a verb. You know when someone loves you by how they treat you. I mean, do they give to you, attention, affection, etc.?
    Most times when we, especially women, think we are in love with someone who does not love us back…it is just because our bodies love the person. WE do not necessarily love the person.
    I strongly encourage the women I work with (or the feminine) to let the men (or the masculine) they THINK they love, to love them, the feminine FIRST. The masculine will show their love through their actions. If the masculine does not, he/she either does not love the other person, or CANNOT love the other person (for whatever reason) the way the other person needs to be loved, making them INCOMPATIBLE. “So my only answer to why someone you love doesn’t love you back is that that is the Universe’s way of protecting you from the wrong fit. It’s just not right for you.”
    In fact, most times, when someone does not love us back, it is usually because he/she KNOWS something about themselves, (not just the universe) that you do not know, that you would NOT love about them. The other person KNOWS you are not compatible. And they (mostly men) will leave you before you figure it out. Mainly because they love the love you have for them in your eyes. And they never want to see it go out. But really, if you knew the truth about them, you would likely dislike them, very much. Not to mention, no one wants to be miserable…so they do not want to make you miserable.
    I really appreciate with what you end your post; about taking a walk and getting present to what you do have upon experiencing a negative feeling. The only way out of a negative feeling is a positive thought followed by a decision to take action, or inaction, and then doing it, as soon as possible.

    Aside from that, ladies, limit your pets to two or less…or men will think your aiming to be a cat lady. ;)

  8. Kelly says:

    Sally!!!! Bravo!

    What you wrote made me think of two things that have brought me great clarity on these topics.

    Somehow I found this article about a year or so ago and it made SO much sense:
    http://stress.about.com/od/professionalhelp/a/distortions.htm
    I could recognize certain things that seemed to be family traits and were very familiar.

    And I discovered the blog Baggage Reclaim
    http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/about/
    And she is brilliant! I put off buying her book Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl until a co-worker suggested sharing it. I’m SO happy we bought it!!! Crazy accurate stuff in there on why we gravitate towards certain types of relationships and how to break the habit.

    Anyhoo…you hit upon it all in a nutshell. Just thought you might enjoy these resources as much as I did.

    Besitos!
    PS: I am currently obsessed with Shakira and can’t wait to see you dance like her! heh heh

    • Sallyhope says:

      Miss Kelly…thank you so much for writing and sharing those amazing links with us. I love it. I think awesome relationships are a lot about breaking our old patterns and habits that haven’t worked in our previous relationships. Very cool.

      And SHAKIRA!! I LOVE HER!!! I’ll shake it like her, just for you.

    • Tina Pruitt says:

      Kelly,
      Thanks for sharing those links luv. I just bought both of the ebooks and loved listening to her videos. I cannot tell you ladies how much I appreciate this content.
      xoxo,
      Tina

  9. Tina Pruitt says:

    OMG Sally…..OMG.
    This came at the exact moment I needed it. You gave me the message I asked the angels to help me with…I love you more than ever. ;)
    xo, Tina

  10. AvidExplorer says:

    Well, I have always been a hopeless romantic. And the whole ‘happily ever after’ has eluded me. But I know me. And I know that is what I long for. I have a really hard time getting into a relationship and enjoying it in the moment, whilst ignoring the happy little sound of Dido singing “Finally, finally things are changing…” inside my head. It’s like girls are wired so differently. How can you fight nature??

    More often than not, what you write resonates, so just keep on with whatever inspires you. =)

    • Sallyhope says:

      Oh Diana…I’m with you. I’m a hopeless romantic too, thinking about love more than I’d like to admit. And girls are wired SO differently than men. It’s just bananas! I guess it’s all a matter of learning as much as we can about ourselves, so that we can enter into union with a healthy heart. Or at the very least, a knowledge of where our craziness shows up. :)

  11. Chris Principe says:

    Hey Sally,

    I never read blogs, but the title of this one spoke to me so I had to leave a comment. I’ve been in this situation many times before, and asked myself, “why can’t she see how perfect we would be together?” After gaining experience and growing through life’s many lessons, I realized one thing – if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be…. If not, then you move on. You can’t control how someone else feels. It could be that they are in a different time in their life – a different phase of thinking…. or it could be a number of other reasons (that are still out of your control by the way) The point is….. things happen the way they’re ultimately supposed

    to in order to keep the universe moving the way it was meant to and to keep our life energy vibrant. If something is out of your control, worrying about it or questioning it over and over is a complete waist of energy. No matter how bad you wish something to be, it will happen or not happen the way it’s meant to. As you know, i’ve been divorced now for 7 years from the person I THOUGT was perfect for me. What I have realized in that time is that, no matter how awesome a person is or how much you’re attracted to them, it could be that they were placed in your life simply to energize your soul – or give you the greatest daughter ever! Anyway, I’ll say it again – if it’s meant to be, it will happen. I have no idea who you are fretting over in your blog, but stop beating your head against the wall girl! You’ll find love again….. Ok, I’m out… Keep rockin!

    • Sallyhope says:

      Chris…this comment is so beautiful and I appreciate you and it so much. I absolutely love everything you said, especially that everything works out the way it’s supposed to to keep our “life energy vibrant.” That’s very well said. I also absolutely agree that sometimes people are here to energize our souls, and teach us lessons. No pain from a heartache is useless if we learn something wonderful about ourselves from it.

      Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

  12. Cheryl says:

    Hey Sally,

    Great post!! I think I’m going to read this one every day until I stop only wanting the guy that just doesn’t want me back!! Some days I think I’m doing better, but some days not so much! You are very inspirational!! Keep up awesome work!!

    Love the line dancing too! :)

    Cheryl

    • Sally Hope says:

      Cheryl…geeez I hear you!! Seriously. I have to remind myself of this kind of stuff all the time. Life is always a work in progress and a journey. At least we’re all in it together!

  13. Greg Dennis says:

    If I see my ex with another girl, I will have a LOT more problems than just an “achy, breaky heart”. I’m just sayin’…

  14. Greg Dennis says:

    OH, and I certainly HOPE I don’t become a lonely old lady with cats, because then I’ve got some SERIOUS issues I don’t think you are qualified to solve. I mean, love ya lots and all…but I think THAT may be a little out of your league…

  15. [...] What do you do when you want someone who doesn’t want you back? [...]

  16. Beth C. says:

    Hi Sally!

    First off, lovely article. You’ve put into words something that it took me years to learn the hard way. I do have a kind of tangental question for you, I’m just interested in your opinion since you’ve written so well about this first part of the equation.

    So, you say, “You are not alone. And you’re not doomed to be a lonely old lady with cats. What you want, wants you, ultimately, and everyone else in between is just practice.” I think my question comes down to… But what if you are? I’ve always had horrible luck in the romance arena, it just doesn’t ever seem to fall into place at all. I’m 35 and I’ve never been in anything even close to a commited, long term relationship. I’m not super worried about this, but here’s the thing, everyone always says “Don’t worry, it’ll happen…” “When the time is right…” Yadda yadda. And I know, for most people that is the case. However, in my life I have also known quite a few people for whom that isn’t true. They are in their late 60s- 70s now and just never met anyone, never got married, never had a long term partner, so the fact of the matter is, it DOESN’T happen for everyone.

    None of these people wanted it to go this way, and there is nothing any more unusual about any of them than the other people I know who ended up happily married to the love of their lives. They are good, caring, kind people. So, I mean, I guess my question is while I don’t want to give up, and right now I haven’t (I don’t even necessarily know if I’m asking for me specifically- it’s more a theoretical thing I’ve been kicking around), but when do you realize it just doesn’t get to happen for you? And if that’s the case, how do you let it go, especially if it’s something deep down you know you really do want?

    Thanks!

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Beth…this is an AWESOME question. Thank you SO much for writing in. And my thoughts are this…

      The only way to create changes in our lives is to do something different than we’ve ever done before. The reason we all tend to have the same things happen over and over again (especially in relationship) is because we’re doing the same thing we’ve always done. We get into patterns of being, of thinking, of acting. I absolutely DO believe that it CAN happen for everyone…if of course you want it and are willing to look inside yourself and reflect. See what hasn’t been working. See what patterns you’re bringing to the table that no longer serve you or a relationship.

      I don’t believe it’s just a matter of “don’t worry…it’ll happen…just wait” without the added piece of…”while you’re in the in between time of now and that awesome relationship…work on self. Learn to love self. Find your patterns. Bust open old wounds that are still getting in the way.” It’s not a passive “just wait and see” it’s an active “I’m going to become the type of person that is in that awesome relationship I imagine.” and “I’m going to discover what I truly want in a relationship.” The path to this looks different for everyone, but if you’re dedicated to it, it will happen.

      The second you give in and “realize it just doesn’t get to happen for you” is the exact moment that it won’t ever happen for you. So I hope you don’t get there. Our decisions and our thoughts largely dictate our realities.

      Working with my own coach I realized so many patterns I had that were getting in the way. That’s a great option. But if you’re not into coaching, there are AWESOME books out there. Here are two that have really affected the way I think of things like this:

      1) Intimate Communion by David Deida
      2) Calling In The One by Katherine Woodward Thomas

      Please keep in touch and let me know how it goes!!
      XO
      S

  17. Maire says:

    Thank you so much for this post!! I’m bookmarking it for when I need a kick in the pants to scoot me back to reality!

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