It feels so good to be writing to you. Like we have this little corner of the world to connect. I’m sitting here on my couch with a gray (but beautiful) Montana sky, reflecting on…so much.
I’ve never said this out loud before on the internet until now, but I turned 38 yesterday. And with that came a slew of intense feelings.
I’ve never really talked about my age. I always felt like people thought I was younger than I was and I liked that because it made me feel mysterious and desirable.
But as this year has progressed and so many damn things have changed in my life (from my skin, to my body, to my understanding about myself and life, to so many more life lessons) I find myself thinking it’s important to show more of what it’s like to be in THESE phases of life.
Of course it’s easy to share when everything is awesome and you’re on adventures and traveling the world and running a successful business and you feel young and hot, but it’s far more difficult to share when you feel like you’ve lost your footing and don’t know where to go in life and you all of a sudden have wrinkles where you didn’t before.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot these past few years as I had struggled with intense feelings of sadness, feeling lost, and feeling behind in my life.
I started dreading my birthday four months ago anticipating feeling crappy and I decided then that I was going to be in the best shape of my life. What I thought I meant by that was my body. But what I didn’t realize back then was that you don’t get in “shape” by beating yourself or giving yourself impossible goals. You become strong by learning how to truly love yourself and examining those darker places inside that just need a bit more light.
This year, I feel stronger than ever. I’m not the thinnest I’ve ever been. I don’t feel as “attractive” I’ve ever felt in some ways. But I feel the most grounded, real, and emotionally, spiritually, and physically strong than I’ve ever felt. And that feels damn good.
Age is weird. There are so many expectations we feel from different phases of life and not a lot of people talking about the emotional experiences that happen from these phases, and that’s something I’m vowing to do this year.
I’m done hiding parts of myself I don’t think are “perfect” or “attractive.” I’m done feeling like there aren’t a lot of role models for these phases we all go through. I’m done feeling bad comparing myself and my life to the curated ones I see on the internet. And I’m done letting any of this stuff take me out.
I’ve been using a mantra lately that has really helped me, especially as my birthday was coming up which is “I’m not going down like that.”
Whenever I’m stuck or feeling bad or sorry for myself for whatever reason I say out loud “don’t go down like that girl.”
This helps me to pick myself up, be grateful for what I have, and feel strong and at “cause” over my life instead of “effect.” It’s the motivating motto that allowed me to have a perfect birthday and ask for the love and support I needed and allowed me to actually receive that love and support.
So all of this is to say that I’m vowing to make this year incredible and perhaps be a voice of inspiration for you too if you’re feeling like you’re in a difficult phase of life. You don’t have to go down like that either.
Problems will always arise in our lives. We’ll likely always feel somewhat unsatisfied with where we’re at. People leave us. We have tragedy and illness and so many things that are beyond our control. But for the things we can control…let’s not go down like that, shall we?
You are strong and brave and you don’t have to go down like that.
So as a birthday gift, I’d love to hear from you. Does any of this resonate with you? Have you needed the reminder to “not go down like that?” Comment below this post and let me know. Connection is what makes life so sweet. Looking forward to connecting with you more.
P.s. Something exciting is in the works but I can’t tell you what yet. I can say that it’s a tangible way to “not go down like that” and it’ll come in perfect time for New Years! Keep an eye out. And make sure you’re on the list to be the fist to know about it.