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He’s Just Not That Into You…And That’s Ok. Because It’s Not The Point.

Relationships are the single most important things on this planet. Relationship with self and relationship with others. I find that they are more powerful than anything else in the world, and can affect us more and differently than anything else. I was thinking about this recently, as an old “friend” has been on my mind a lot.

Last year I met someone that changed my life. Flipped my world upside down and sent me spinning into an entire year (actually…it’s still going) of self-discovery. He probably has no idea the extent as to which he’s affected me really, by doing nothing other than existing.

At the time, I honestly couldn’t have imagined a cooler guy. The kind of guy that would take me shooting and teach me how to ride motorcycles, then go to yoga class with me and hit the country bar for some two-steppin on the way home. And then, leather tool me my own custom cowgirl belt while I was sleeping. Couldn’t have imagined it better.

Honestly, the only thing wrong with him was that he didn’t want a relationship. He told me that up front, to which I responded, “oh yeah, I mean, totally, me either.” To which I believed…mostly. But then, we kept hanging out. And talking all the time. And I really started to like him.

I technically didn’t want a relationship. I was exploring. Adventuring. Had just had a really heartbreaking break-up with someone I loved a lot. Was about to move to Costa Rica for a month and then travel in an RV indefinitely. With these facts in place, yes, of course I didn’t want a relationship. Didn’t want someone to miss. Someone to make me second-guess my decisions to explore (which is what started to happen). And most importantly, someone that I felt had the potential to really break my heart.

The “I don’t want a relationship” guy is actually the “I’ll never want a relationship with YOU” guy. I’ve read “He’s Not That Into You,” I know the drill. And I imagined that that would only lead me into heartache. And so, I ended whatever it was we had. Me and this amazing guy. Getting to know each other in that way stopped. And what ensued instead was months and months of me being upset and crying and talking to him and trying to be friends.

I often wonder if I did the wrong thing. If I should have just relaxed and let it play out. See what happened. In my mind, over a year later, it could have made all the difference. It could have made him fall in love with me and then we’d go ride off into the sunset on one of his horses and then two-step at our wedding and have beautiful babies and live on a ranch and laugh and be silly and go shooting together. In my fantasy, I’d have two-stepped right into my perfect magical life, with a boy named Hawk at the helm. Steering the ship. Holding me in his big strong arms, telling me it was all going to be all right. And I’d believe him because he was that strong.

But that’s not how it went. And that’s not what I did. And not where I am now.

It’s so easy to look back and feel regret. I should have done this and I should have done that. If only I had done this differently, everything would be great. But there are holes in this theory. Mainly, because this assumes that where we are now is wrong. That we took a wrong turn somewhere down the line. And even though I struggle with this idea, I don’t really believe we can take wrong turns. I think every moment that leads to this one is exactly what was supposed to happen. And just because it still hurts me in my heart to think about sometimes, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. That’s probably exactly what I’m supposed to be feeling right now. In retrospect, I know it’ll all makes sense.

Because the truth is…if Hawk and I were meant to be together, we would be. If that was my destiny, it would be happening. If we were supposed to be together, he wouldn’t have let me slip away, and I wouldn’t have felt threatened enough to want to. Assuming I did something wrong lessens the impact that this whole relationship has had on my life. Where it sent me spinning to, has changed my life in ways I think nothing else could have. I am pretty sure I’m not done spinning, and that’s cool. Apparently there is more for me to learn here.

And if nothing else I’ve learned about love. I know that the value of someone is NOT in how much they love me, especially in comparison to how much I love them, but rather in the merit of their character. If nothing else, this has taught me to love and open my heart, even when it hurts. To love people for who THEY are, not for what they do for me. It’s not Hawk’s fault he felt how he felt. Not my fault I feel how I feel. He’s still an amazing guy and deserving of love, which I still send him energetically, all the time.

Love is a powerful thing. And in my eyes, it’s the only thing that matters. Love of self and love of others. Being love. Heartache is just love getting deepened. A learning of loving yourself. A learning of letting go (which is also about love).

And in my opinion, you gotta let love rule. Get in heart deep, or go home. “Protecting” the heart actually means, hardening the heart, and that’s not the way to live life.

So the next time you find yourself feeling sad, or heart broken, remember that there is something much greater for you to learn here. This feeling is all about you being on your path to love. That there is no wrong move, no wrong turn, and no wrong way to be feeling. Embrace what’s happening. And with this, I’ll leave with you a note from the Universe that ended up in my inbox last week, just as I was writing this:

“One thing I know for sure, is that with time everything becomes clear, all questions are answered, what’s broken is restored, new trails are blazed, hearts are mended, love returns, and you will look over your shoulder, with a tear in your eye, at life’s utter perfection. And best of all, time is what you have plenty of. Trust me. “

Have you had a similar experience? Feeling a bit heart broken? Feeling regrets? Wondering “What If?” Leave a comment below and share your story and your best piece of advice about it.

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31 Responses to He’s Just Not That Into You…And That’s Ok. Because It’s Not The Point.

  1. Nikki says:

    This was an amazing post Sally! Love you! xo

  2. Amanda says:

    Really needed to hear this today. And its all true. Thank you for saying it so eloquently.

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Amanda…thank you so much for reading. I think matters of the heart are the hardest things to deal with sometimes, and mostly because it’s the way we’re taught to think about love and relationship. I’m so glad this resonated with you. Please let me know how I can further support you. Stop by often. Say hello.

  3. Bernardo says:

    I love seeing the depth of your understanding about life and mostly about the possibilities that life has to offer YOU. I recorded a video last night about the power of finding the benefit of anything that ever happens to you and this message reminded me a bit of that. You’ve taken a situation that could have stayed at the level of “you” and made perhaps a life altering decision that will forever guide every encounter and every relationship you bless someone with entering. You’ve transcended the specific situation and not just breathed new life into your soul, but share it with many others to learn from your pain.

    Sally, I’ve known the power of your vulnerability and openness since we first became friends and yet you still surprised me in a good way today with this incredibly powerful post.

    Love you,

    Bern

    • Sallyhope says:

      There is so much in this comment that has touched my heart on such a deep level I almost don’t even know how to respond. At all. This lesson of love has been so huge for me. I feel like it might be one of my purposes in life…to be learning it. I was so scared to post this one. Afraid that Hawk might read it. Or that I might be seen as complaining about love…again. But I know better, as I’m sure you do, that the ones that are the most scary for us to post, are the ones that are the most important for us to post. Knowing I have your support and your encouragement and your ability to hold me to my greater good makes me feel safe moving forward on this path. I am so incredibly grateful for you, dear Bernardo.

  4. Stuff happens. Sometimes it’s stuff you don’t want to have happen. I’ve found that as cliched as it might be, when one door closes, another opens. In my experience, the new door opening is typically going to be having the bigger cash prize behind it anyway.

    • Sallyhope says:

      I love how you always cut to the chase. And even though you’re not a “woo woo” guy, AT ALL, you always have such beautiful, and to-the-point, advice on all of this stuff. I love looking at it like a cash prize! Lovely. Thank you again for reading and your support.

  5. So glad you posted this Sally. xo

  6. Kimberly says:

    Wow! How I relate to this blog. I’ve met the guy that you just seem to hit it off with. Talk to all the time, hang out, just feel that the two of you are perfect for each other. But after a year realize that things are not moving forward and he is still standing strong in his “I’m never going to date again” opinion. I thought if I just continued being his friend he would come around. But since I am writing this, things obviously haven’t changed. This was the first time in five years I let someone that close to me. I have come to the conclusion that the old addage “there’s someone out there for everyone” does not apply to me.

    As a Cancer, I think it’s time to crawl back into the safety of my shell. I’m almost 42 and feel it’s my lot in life to be alone.

    Relationships are not for everyone.

    Thanks for another amazing blog Sally!

    ~ Kimberly

    • Sallyhope says:

      Oh girl…this comment hurts me in my heart. Only because it feels like you’ve lost hope. I do truly believe that there are a lot of amazing people out there for us, and it’s up to us to decide which one of them (or ones of them) to give our energy to. It sounds like this “not date again” guy has gotten a lot of your energy and that it has drained yours a bit. Do not lose hope and faith that you can have the kind/s of relationships you want. You have a lot of life to live, and I think taking on a new perspective about love could really change things for you. Let’s do some coaching. :)

  7. Diana Clark says:

    It’s really wonderful how you captured the fear, hope and letting go of love.

  8. Samm Johnson says:

    If the names and a couple of activities were changed, this could be my story.
    And also your ability to realize your strength coming out the other side. I am not necessarily to that place but you give me so much hope.
    I am actually going to write about this is my personal journal a little differently than I normally do.
    Switching some of the regret and self blame into lessons and realizing the person I’ve have become was absolutely a result of that relationship.
    Thank you Sally for sharing this. I truly love you xoxo

    • Sallyhope says:

      What a beautiful lesson Miss Sammi. I think it’s so much easier to go to the place of regret, blame, sadness, hurt, and that’s ok. But you’re right…there are such beautiful things that can come out of opening your heart and loving someone…even if the relationship doesn’t work out. I truly believe every person we meet teaches us something, if we really really look. I would love to hear the discoveries you’ve had in your journal or otherwise around this. Here for you girl. Love, Me

  9. Sally, thanks for writing this piece. It is important for people to see your life outside the “highlight reel.” And believe me girl, I can relate…

    I, too, had the opportunity to spend time with an amazing man. A man I’d been friends with for 15 years. I guy who helped me build the sleeping platform in the back of my Element. The one who said — sure, store your things in my basement. Come back anytime you want!

    Neither of us wanted a relationship. I was on the road. He was freshly divorced. So imagine my surprise, when the girl he met on New Year’s Eve — at the concert WE were supposed to go to — became his girlfriend! With a Facebook status update to prove it.

    Yes, life doesn’t always turn out the way we think. Yet despite the bumps and bruises, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure you’d agree.

    XOXO,
    Kb

    • Sallyhope says:

      Ouch. And yes I totally agree with you 100%. Even in my saddest, regretty moments, I know that my life is truly rich with amazing experiences and love and learning and deepening of self and I know in retrospect everything makes sense. It’s times like these that grow us and change us for the better. Thank you for sharing your experience.
      Road Warriors, unite. :)

  10. Pam says:

    Sally, I love your energy and positivity and your article resonates with me. After 2 marriages, and countless relationships, I recently met an Aries (I’m a Leo) who is not the kind of guy I would normally date…I mean, he is intelligent, geeky, and wants to change the world. We had mind-blowing passion and I was so happy, because I actually felt that I had met someone after so long of “not wanting a relationship” to actually thinking I could chill with this guy. After a couple months, he completely cooled off and left me wondering, was it something I did? Said? He went out of town for work for a month and we kept in touch, but on a “friend zone” level, save for a couple of naughty Skype calls. When he returned we were still on the “friend zone” level until he came over the other night and I actually just asked him what had happened. He wants to do some career things and contribute to changing the world and apparently I was a distraction and he couldn’t focus. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, and although I am still so attracted to him, and he assures me he is to me, I am not sure if I want to just tell him I don’t want to see him anymore, or if I will continue to see him because of my deep attraction to him and his Einstein-like geekiness. Do I wait it out and hope that he will love me forever? Your article just reminded me that I should perhaps just enjoy the moment and not worry about what will happen later, although I must confess to walking that thin line of being on the verge of falling for him in a big way, and don’t want my heart broken. I am in the end, always trying to stay positive and never want to be cynical where my heart is concerned, because, as you say, we learn something from each person we spend time with. I am grateful he came into my life and we shared time. Thanks for sharing!

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Pam…thank you so much for your comment and woooo weeeee! What a whirlwind, eh? My guy was unexpected as well and at first I was like, “no way.” And then I took the time to get to know him and found out he was amazing, just like you did. You asked “do I wait it out and hope that he will love me forever?” and I think you know the answer deep down. But in case you’re confused, here are some things to think about. I hear you that you’re both attracted to each other, but that isn’t the same as wanting a “relationship” with each other. It’s important, I think, for people to have the same goals. So first make sure you know what your goals are (sounds sort of like “love me forever”) and then ask him his goals. Do you want the same thing? Are you both wanting to grow this in a relationship direction? And if he says something like “I don’t know what the future holds,” then that’s a no. That’s his way of being nice and not hurting you. Men who really want to be with you will find a way to be with you, with their careers and all. Men who don’t, or are wishy washy, will leave you feeling confused.

      I think enjoying the moment is different than knowingly being in a situation that doesn’t feel right for you. So talk to him directly, openly and honestly, and see if you’re on the same page. If not, then decide what you’d like to do.

      So how does all that land for you? What are you feeling right now?

      • Pam says:

        I guess sometimes we don’t want to ask a question if we have an inkling that we won’t like the answer, so we go on with a situation even if we feel it isn’t necessarily the right thing to do. I think deep down I know that although we are attracted to each other, this isn’t and won’t be a “relationship”.
        I am a little sad knowing this. And what you said about men who want to be with you will find a way, and men who don’t leave you confused, is so very true. So perhaps this is why I have been feeling confused. And this is where the “protecting” or “hardening” of the heart comes in. On the one hand, I don’t want to fall for him and be hurt later, on the other hand I feel I should enjoy the moment. It’s all quite confusing really.

        • Sallyhope says:

          Miss Pam…my darling. I’m going to drop a truth bomb. You already know the answer to your questions, and you know where you are cheating yourself here. You’re already falling for him (already have fallen for him) and you’re waiting and hoping that someday he will be in love with you. I don’t actually think you’re confused at all. I think that you don’t like the truth you see. So you’re cloaking it in “I should just be in the moment,” to prolong your time with him so that maybe he’ll change his mind. Men don’t. People don’t. We feel how we feel and that’s pretty much it. Now…this being in the moment thing. I think it’s a beautiful idea if ALL you’re trying to do is be in the moment, knowing that there are no guarantees and knowing that it’ll probably not end up in him loving you forever and ever. With that perspective, a “being in the moment” thing will could be awesome. You get to learn from each other. BUT, if you’re wanting to “be in the moment” so that he’ll then turn around and love you forever, that’s a whole other ballgame. And the sadness you speak of tells me that this is the game you’re playing.

          You’re a sweet and loving person, I can see that. And your energies and efforts should feel reciprocated. I’m not here to tell you what to do, and in the matters of love, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks anyway. I’m just here to point out what I see. And I’m guessing, deep down, it’s also what you see.

          Know that you are loved and are loving and are perfect JUST the way you are. The person who GETS to be with you knows that too. Much love to you.

  11. Christina says:

    Molly brought me to this post via Facebook, and am I ever happy that she did. What a thoughtful, interesting, wise, and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this with your readers.

    I loved this: “And in my opinion, you gotta let love rule. Get in heart deep, or go home. “Protecting” the heart actually means, hardening the heart, and that’s not the way to live life.” My cousin and I call each other “The Two-Feet-In Kids,” because, while almost everyone warns us about jumping into love with both feet without testing the waters or wading in the shallow end first, we simply jump in and explore. If it’s meant to flourish, it will; if it doesn’t, it’s a beautiful learning experience.

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Christina…I absolutely ADORE your perspective on love “we simply jump in and explore. If it’s meant to flourish, it will; if it doesn’t, it’s a beautiful learning experience.” It’s so true. And I honestly believe that if more people felt this way, relationships would be so much more rich. thank you so much for your comment and I hope you hop on the mailing list so I can let you know when awesome new things happen at the blog. Like posts and stuff. :)

      https://sallyhope.com/free-newsletter/

  12. Kathy says:

    Sally,
    Your story was mine and Mike’s story in every detail but the end. He did fall in love with me a year later. The guy that never wanted a relationship with me. The hardest thing I did was to let it go, love myself, be truthful with him about what I wanted. When I backed away and allowed him to love me, it was the deepest love I have ever felt. Slow growing and nurtured. I hope you find true love someday because it will change your life!

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Kathy! I love your story here and it reminds me of that saying “if you love something, set it free.” Sounds like in your letting it go, and backing away, you gave it and yourself freedom for it to come back. Sounds absolutely divine. Thank you so much for writing and I hope to meet you both sometime very soon.

      Xo,
      Sally

  13. JG says:

    Hi Sally,

    Thank you so much for this post. I just stumbled onto your site and this has really helped me. I’m a planner and engineer so I try really hard to break things down scientifically or logically, but life never quite works out that way does it? Nothing is ever just black and white. I want to just be able to follow a formula like the plethora of dating books out there but the truth is everyone is unique and different. I have a hard time letting things just “be.”

    I’m trying just for once to live in the now and just let things happen. It’s actually quite scary because I don’t have the answers up front. I’ve been hanging out with a male friend of mine who knows I like him and the feeling is mutual but our timing has never been quite right until recently. We have a scary amount in common, but he’s a little odd in that he doesn’t seem to follow any of the traditional “rules.” My engineering brain says to throw in the towel before you get too attached and/or hurt…but something deep inside me says, “So what? Live for now and stop trying to predict the future.” I’m learning as I get older life is about the journey, as cliche as that might sound. And you can’t have great stories to tell if you constantly hide underneath your armor.

    ~Jaz

    • Sallyhope says:

      Hey Jaz…thank you so much for writing! I’m so glad you found me and shared. I completely hear you about the logical mind. We are all different and have different operating systems. One isn’t better than the other, but the important thing is to reflect on how much our operating system is serving us. And most of the time it’s a little bit of both. Sometimes it serves and sometimes it doesn’t. But I’m guessing that if you’re getting the message to “just let things happen” that is definitely an area for you to explore. See what happens when you let it go a bit. Love is one of those things that is the most blissed out experience ever, but can also potentially be really scary. I always think though, that we must just love, with all our hearts, as much as possible. Get in heart deep, or go home. And you’re so right about being present and not trying to predict the future. You can’t anyway. It’s 100% unknown. So go enjoy yourself. :) Please keep in touch and sign up for my free newsletter so I can tell you when new stuff comes out.

      Much love and WELCOME!!
      Sally

  14. Ace says:

    Whoa, I have tears in my eyes and gladness in my heart from reading this post. Thank you so much for sharing!!

  15. Chantal says:

    “To love people for who THEY are, not for what they do for me. It’s not Hawk’s fault he felt how he felt. Not my fault I feel how I feel. He’s still an amazing guy and deserving of love, ”

    This is exactly what I tried to explain to my friends when my heart was broken. I still love the guy and my heart still hurts and yet I’m feeling honored to have met him, for him to noticing me, for him to let me get to know him and vice versa. And yes, we didn’t work out, we didn’t had a relationship, but I knew it was alright, somehow this was just the way how it got to be (to be nothing ;)) and it was ok. It is ok to feel sad, it’s ok to be heartbroken, I just felt gratitude, immense gratitude for getting to know him so close…

    Thanks for being so open about this, thank you for this wonderful, very personal, blogpost. <3

    • Sallyhope says:

      Girl…you are SO RIGHT ON!!!!!! And I think that this is such an important lesson in life. It’s the ultimate test of self-responsibility and checking ego at the door. Did it hurt like hell that Hawk didn’t want to be with me…YOU BET. But was it his fault? Was he a bad person? Did he deserve hate or ill will? No. To all of it. And so many people forget this when they’re so hurt.

      You’re ahead of the curve mi lady.

      XOXO

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