Right now I’m working on a chapter for a book my friends are writing about girls who have lost their daddys. And I use the word “working” very loosely. It actually looks much more like, throwing a few words down, crying my head off, then leaving the whole thing for a couple weeks. Wash, rinse, repeat.
I can’t seem to get through it. I can’t even seem to talk about not getting through it. I keep, miraculously, getting distracted by ALLLLL these other things that just NEED to get done first, even though I have an impending deadline, three days from now, and even though I’ve known about this deadline for three months. “It’ll get done,” I say. It always does.
And in observing my behavior around this, I realized that this tactic of avoid and disconnect is exactly the same way I handled his death the first time around. And exactly how I’ve handled every single other stimulating and hurtful situation that has come up in my life ever since. To harden. Shut down. Close off. Distract. To not listen. Avoid. Seek attention. Blame others. In that order. And I’ve gotten so good at it, that I barely even know it’s happening.
This past week alone I’ve have FOUR different situations show up that have made me face myself in a huge way. Situations have come up where I’ve had to take responsibility for hurting someone I love dearly, take responsibility for potentially ruining something that was amazing and that I blamed someone else for, for years, take responsibility for how my actions affect another human being. And I’ve hated myself for causing pain. For being the type of person that could do such things. The shame and embarrassment I was experiencing felt too big for me to handle. And I wanted to avoid it all. But I didn’t. I just keep going into the thick of it because I know that’s the only way through it.
And yet I’m not surprised it’s all showing up now.
Natalie and I have been working hard on our new project, Girls Gone Moto. It something that matters so much to me, so deep in my heart. It’s something I’ve always wanted…to create direct and purposeful impact to a large audience, and inspire people to have exactly the kinds of lives they want. To teach that it doesn’t matter where we’ve come from and how crappy our cards were dealt, that we CAN create happiness and we DO have control over our situation. It matters so much to me that I’m making myself crazy. All these things are coming up that I have to face.
And even in these moments of tears, I’m so grateful. Because I know that it means I’m on the right track. My discomfort and sadness means I’m walking the walk I need to be walking. I’m stepping up and out of my status quo. Way beyond my comfort zone. Otherwise my negative voices wouldn’t give a F.
When you’re up to big things, big things show up. Doing great things in our lives calls us forward to face ourselves in a big way. We get to look at both the amazing, beautiful parts where we walk through fire for the causes we believe in, but also the dark, hidden parts where we become the very worst sides of ourselves. Selfish and mean and scared and reactionary and small. In order to make an impact in the world, or even in the life of one person, we must first look at ourselves. No matter how ugly, or small, or mean, or weak we might think we are, it must be done. You can either let this take over, or you can ride the wave, observing the behavior, while always keeping the bigger goal in mind. That goal being creating an impact.
I know you are up to big things too. I know you have a dream, a goal, a vision of how you want your life to be. Know that you can have all of it. Just keep walking your walk and keep facing yourself. And be kind. None of us know how, exactly, to do this. We just must keep trying.
What big things are you up to? And what’s been showing up in your life because of it? Leave a comment and share your story.
And remember, always…….
“If you’re going through hell, keep on going, don’t slow down.”
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