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Let Go Or Be Dragged (what God has to do with my forced vacation)

blog 8.20(1)Not last week, but the week before (“24 robbers came knocking at my door” just kidding but extra points for anyone who knows what that’s from…anywho…moving on) I took a vacation.

I know this doesn’t seem like news. And it isn’t really. But in my own personal life, it was of very significant importance.

The Sunday before my vacation started, I lost my shit. Again. Couldn’t keep all my emotions inside.

For anyone who has been around for the past six months, you’ve seen a lot of tears happen. You’ve witnessed me sob on the floor. Grasp, search, and feel oh so lost.

And it all came to a head (again) a couple Sundays ago.

I was in that place that we all get to, when you finally feel like you’re “done” with whatever challenge you’re facing. Like “yep…I’m good. Handled that and it’s over with. YAY! Wash my hands of it and I’m moving on. Sweet! I”M FREEEEEEE!”

Right?

Wrong.

Because then you KNOW what happens.

It creeps back in unexpectedly when you see 25 license plates in one day (no joke) of the state where your ex lives even though the state is a billion miles away. Or you hear a song that reminds you of them. Or you’re struggling and forget that you can’t call the person that used to help with that particular type of struggle. Or you stumble upon a FB tagged post with them and another girl.

(I know you know what I’m talking about).

And then you cry and cry while you’re in yoga class and go home and read through all your emails from that person, basically torturing yourself while wondering, “is it time to reconnect and reach out?”

But then, you decide to sleep on it. Ride the wave. Be WITH the pain of whatever you’re feeling, knowing that whatever “solution” you were imagining (reaching out, getting on an airplane, becoming a nun) isn’t going to solve the “problem” because the answer doesn’t live outside yourself. AND there is another person involved who has their own agenda.

And this is where I was when I woke up on the Monday morning that my Team basically ordered me to take a no emails, no internet, no work-vacation (first in five years…CRAZY).

Needless to say, this has been a time of growth for me. Everything has changed in one short year. I built Wildheart out of thin air and got it to the place I wanted it to be.

Where it is a beautiful and loving family of souls on fire. And sometimes when you actually get what you want, you feel lost.

Even in terms of this said “breakup” mentioned above.

To be absolutely truthful, the relationship as we did it at the time, didn’t work. Ever. There was always distance (literal and figurative) and drama and struggle. We never appeared to be on the same page, minus a few blissful moments. When he was fully into it, I resisted. When I was fully into it, he resisted. And that’s not the type of dynamic I want in my “true love” scenario.

But yet, when you’re dealing with emotions and ego and fear of “will I be alone forever? And that man was absolutely incredible and whyyyyyyyyyy can’t it workkkkkkk??” and in the memory of all the absolutely ridiculously amazing times you had together, things get messy. And hard. And sad. And you forget about all the things that didn’t work and all the pain that happened at the end. And then you find yourself sobbing during your shavasana.

I’ve been reading a book lately that I’m really working with, Outrageous Openness by Tosha Silver. And it reminds me of something psychic Licia Morelli said on a guest coaching call inside the Wildheart Revolution this week.

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Which is…the answers all come in the space BETWEEN thought and action. (Click to Tweet that!)

In rest. In being quiet. In the calm place. Not in the thinking, worrying, or fear place.

That all the answers are both within us and also we have no control over anything other than the way we go through life. And that there is an inner wisdom that will guide us if we let it.

That week, my guides led me to a vacation, which was the absolute best thing ever. And in that space between, I found a glimmer of faith. The understanding that things somehow always just work out for the greater good. That the Universe/God/Goddess/Higher Power will not let us miss an opportunity that is right for us, and will not let us be in a situation that is wrong for us.

I literally have to have faith in this. Or else I’ll fall apart. Again. And probably will. In which case you’ll be hearing about it. :) But that’s life. I seriously have come to the understanding that life is a big bunch of swings of the pendulum. We feel great then we feel horrible then somewhere in between then great again. It’s the swinging and changing that makes it life. And that’s ok.

So all we can do is sink into the space between our thoughts and  actions, and trust that in letting go and surrendering to what the Universe has in store for us in our best, brightest life, that things just work out. (Click to Tweet that!)

It’s a calming thought. And one that I literally have to practice every single day because it sure as hell doesn’t come naturally to this Scorpio control freak who wants to weave the web of my life into a perfect beautiful scenario.

But in these spaces between, it feels like heaven.

It feels good to hand it all over to “someone else” saying “you take care of it! I’ll just be here open to receiving whatever messages you have for me.”

My best friend and I have been giggling lately about this concept. It reminded me of the phrase “let go and let God,” which didn’t mean diddly to me until now. Or that Carrie Underwood song “Jesus Take The Wheel.”

Regardless of religious preferences, this is the place I’m at. Laying down the sword. Bowing on the ground, forehead on the Earth. Literally saying out loud…”please guide me, please help me, I can’t do it alone” while clutching whatever crystals I have in my hands and sleeping with them under the pillow. Because, hey, why not throw everything at it.

I don’t know where this space between will lead me, but I feel like I’m on a new path. And at the very least, I’m letting go and letting god. In the best way I know how.

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The future is always 100% unknown, and yet, we all forget that. Up to now, I was worrying myself sick with the idea that there was actually something I could DO to change how I was feeling and the situation I was in. And in those quiet moments, I realized that the only action was necessary was to let go. Freefall.

And so here I am…falling. In that place of utter unknown. About love. About the future. And walking this path knowing that there has got to be some inner light that is guiding me (right?) Does this sound utterly ridiculous? Probably. But whatev. That’s where I’m at.

How about you? Where are you at? Are you feeling lost, worried, scared about the future? Do you feel like time is slipping away? Do you have a broken heart too? Are you feeling like you might lose your shit too? Are you better than me at “letting go”?

If so, let’s support each other. I would love to know where you’re at in the comments below.

In it together,

Sally

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11 Responses to Let Go Or Be Dragged (what God has to do with my forced vacation)

  1. Heartbroken? Check.
    Losing my shit a lot lately? Check.
    Letting go? Learning. It’s a process that is taking some practice and patience but I’m learning. :)

    Beautiful, miss Sally. Free falling with you. xoxo

  2. Ah, Sally!

    This post makes my heart burst with love. I love how you lay it all out on the page – embracing the space and allowing it in rather than fighting it boxer style.

    I’m so so proud of you and I just know with this new found freedom and peace you’ll soar in ways that the “thinking” part of the brain could never imagine.

    Your destiny awaits with open arms.

    xoxo

  3. Susan says:

    First, I used to jump rope to “24robbers”…
    Sally-
    The spaces you refer to I have always called, interstices. They are those in betweens that I missed for years. I thought if I slowed down to notice them I would never get going again.

    Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone and that the interstices is a gift. As are you.

  4. Lisa says:

    Oh gosh Sally, this is super beautiful!

    We’ve got crisp weather here this morning and it makes my soul long for a string of solitary days in the bush before snow falls :)

    I believe I was in a similar spot about 6 months ago. I too read a good book that started an opening up in me. I would say living with all the unknown starts to become familiar. I think it’s part of remembering who we are <3

    I wish you everything you need right now…perhaps mountainous amounts of spaces in between…and I'm curious to see what's around the corner for you…and me. All my love <3 xoxoxo

  5. Annette says:

    Geez Sally, I could feel the pain in your words. Huge. The “what if’s.”

    God helps to comfort but sometimes He just watches. Wondering how you’re going to handle His challenges.

    When I used to get so upset with my husband, then boyfriend, I used to cry in my girlfriends arms…and my mother’s…bitch and sob over coffee or lunch. He and I were so different from each other and could totally disagree on everything. But no one made me feel so good as when he wrapped his arms around me.

    When I expressed my feelings to him I felt true relief. Like a giant weight off my shoulders.

    I finally understood that he was the person I needed to share my thoughts with; regardless of outcome.

    I called him and shared. It changed everything. It made me feel better about myself by laying it all out there. That I was confused about my feelings.

    Prob no one else would recommend this to you but I’m a sucker for love; if you still feel such a strong connection to him…for whatever reason…doesn’t matter the reason…tell him. You’ll be amazed at how good it feels. For you…regardless of outcome. Even if he’s not the right one, you may never have the chance again. God may take that chance away from you. There’s really nothing to lose except a little pride…maybe a few more tears. But at least you were honest with yourself.

  6. April Julson says:

    I *really* admire your openness. :) My favorite mantra is “I believe. I trust. I let go.” It’s so freeing to let the HP do the planning.

  7. Hollie says:

    Sally, Wow! Well that one brought me to tears. I could FEEL the pain in your words. Or my pain. Resonates so strongly.

    I’ve been crumbling too over the last 6 months (oh heck, closer to a year now!). Just Saturday night I cried in front of my Mom (which I haven’t done since I was like 17!) and stayed over at her house with my daughter because I couldn’t do anything other than lay down and cry.

    I kept thinking, “Wow, I’m really doing this? Who am I?”

    I’ve had the type of relationship you described w/ my daughter’s father for 13.5 YEARS. There is a crazy bond (there is a soul bond, but that doesn’t equate necessarily to soul mate as in life partner).

    I wish I had wisdom to share. God, do I wish I had wisdom to share. I have always believed that everything is alining for our higher good. But more lately, I have found myself wavering on that belief more than I like.

    Sometimes, I think f*ck. What if this is it. What if this is as good as it gets. I’ve always been an introvert and a loner, and have always enjoyed my own company. But I must admit this is the first time in my life I feel truly lonely and alone. That’s new and scary to me.

    I feel like there is a lesson I’m missing, especially with this relationship piece. As each year passes, I lose a little bit more hope. I don’t want to feel this way. I’ve always been a hopeless (hopeful!) romantic, positive, optimistic, and open for all the possibility.

    I feel less of all those things and I don’t like this place I now find myself. I think you are right about the getting quieter more. I need to do that.

    I do believe we will hear/see/feel/ our inner wisdom (source) and the answers if we can get ourselves quiet to receive.

    I’ve accomplished some amazing things in life and business over the last 15 years. Mostly, I’m tired. Exhausted really…Not just over love, but in all areas of life.

    This is the first time that my future is very unclear…and I don’t feel I have the energy, determination, and excitement that I once did.

    That feels scary.

    Maybe that’s the lesson. Time to surrender…rest…and give over my desires to take action, strategize, have a plan, try harder, figure it out…

    Deep down, I believe this is a rebirth…or right before the rebirth. And it hurts like hell.

    Sending you BIG love. Know you are not alone. And thank you for writing this! xo!H

  8. Jessica says:

    Hey Sally,
    C. S. Lewis said…Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, “What! You too! I thought I was the only one.” That is how I felt reading this post! I’ve been there and I can feel the pain when I read your words. But when you surrender things always work out in magical ways. Wishing you much love!

  9. Sarah says:

    Hi Sally! I’m so glad you had an awesome vacation. I’d never really heard of letting go & asking the guides/universe for help before Wildheart. I was always taught that if I wanted something to happen I had to work hard to MAKE it happen, but I kept pushing so hard trying to figure out what I was supposed to do that I was getting burned out.

    Talking to Licia was amazing, and really hammered home the idea that you’ll only hear what you need to hear if you are still & open to receiving. I wish you the best of luck on “falling,” I’m definitely in the rabbit hole with you and the view is great so far :)

  10. Dana says:

    Sally,
    I love this. Have you ever read “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson? I assume you have for some reason but in any case, she talks about how everyone in your life is a divine assignment. That they are all there to help you learn something you need to learn.

    I love this idea! It made me start thinking about everyone in my life in a different way. Like what is the lesson I need to learn from him/her. And not only the BIG people in your life, but the person in the elevator, or riding the train next to you.

    It’s not always easy, but it’s a cool perspective to try to see from.

    And on top of that, the surrender to the fact that the universe, life, whatever has something bigger planned for you or has your back can release a lot of pressure.

    One of my favorite quotes from the book is this:

    “Our neuroses in relationships usually stem from our having an agenda for another person or for the relationship itself. It’s not our job to try to make a relationship into something we think it should be. If someone doesn’t behave like a great romantic partner, then perhaps they’re not meant to be that for us. That doesn’t make them wrong. Not every relationship is meant to be the ultimate romance:if the train doesn’t stop at your station, it’s not your train.”

    Anyway, just thought I’d share here. This book is something I go back to and read over and over again when I’m feeling the in-betweenness as you might say:)

    Thanks so much for sharing your story! We all need to let go sometimes and have fun on that pendulum swing!:)

    xoxoxo
    Dana

  11. Brittany says:

    Hi Sally,

    As always I appreciate you sharing your personal experiences. Yes I have experienced everything you mentioned above. However, in my recent spiritual quest and research I have discovered that the swings of the pendulum do not have to be so drastic, that we really can find emotional healing.

    Ever heard of Ayahuasca?

    http://reset.me/content-category/ayahuasca/

    I highly recommend that you check it out, and please don’t judge the plant medicine or me for bringing it up before you give yourself a chance to learn about it.

    Love and healing to you and the whole wildheart community <3

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