March 28th, 2013
Today I got some feedback. On my Facebook page. By a friend of mine who doesn’t have the same belief system I do. Through an exchange of words, back and forth, where neither of us would budge on our values or beliefs (rightfully and respectfully so), I got the one piece of feedback that had me thinking the most.
The feedback was that I must be intimidating to be in a relationship with. And when I dug a little deeper about what he meant by this, he said that since my views are non-traditional, that that is intimidating. That since I know what I want, I expect honesty and transparency, and that I’m strong, that I must be intimidating. That I’m dauntingly positive and optimistic. That I just want to do what I want to do, and if the other person doesn’t support it, then I won’t be in a relationship with them.
My blood began to boil. Not necessarily because of the words my friend was saying, but because of what what he was saying meant to me. He was speaking to some of my (old) biggest fears. That the very things I have worked my whole life to do and become, all of the things I’ve tried to unwind and unravel from my past that never worked for me, all of the things I am most proud of for creating in my life, are the very things that could be intimidating about me to men. Coming from the horses mouth.
So I was all like…”wait, I’m intimidating because I know what I want, I have strong values, and I want to be with someone who has similar values? What’s wrong with that?” And, “that doesn’t even make sense,” I thought.
And after a ton of time spent thinking about this, what it really came down to for me, is that if someone doesn’t like this stuff about me. If it’s too uncomfortable to have honest and transparent conversations. If it’s intimidating to be around a girl who wants to delve into the depths of the human experience. Then don’t try to date me. Don’t bother. If my positivity is too much for you, don’t be around it. If you’re intimidated by me, then we’re not supposed to be together. So save us both some pain and don’t even ask me out. I’m serious.
Because chances are even though you’re intimidated by me, I’m just a girl who wants to love and wants to be loved and will likely fall in love with you regardless of all this. And you’ll decide somewhere down the line I’m too much to handle. That what I call forth in you is too much for you. And you’ll leave in a blaze of glory and I’ll be left holding the bag, wondering what the hell happened, and why I wasn’t good enough for you. And I’ll cry and cry and write blog posts about it.
Or rather, the old me would.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned. I do know what I want. I fiercely (and lovingly) stand behind my values. And I’ve decided that an equally strong and present man isn’t going to be intimidated by my beliefs or my life choices or my position in this world. He’s going to find those things the MOST attractive about me. Me living my life the way I want to will have nothing to do with him, it won’t threaten his life or beliefs.
If someone else feels threatened by what I do, I know now that that actually isn’t about me. I’d guess it’s about their own insecurities about not fulfilling what they want to in their lives.
And the truth for me is that my friend was right…I am unwilling to budge on this. If my man doesn’t feel these ways, then it’s not worth it to me to be with him.
Not my first rodeo.
I’d rather be uncoupled living absolutely and fully in my values, then with someone and not honoring my values. My life is already beautiful. And I’m not looking for someone to fill a void. Rather I’m looking for someone to share the beauty with. Be alongside with. And I’m going to choose an alongside partner that feels the way I do about life and wants the same things out of it. And if this makes me intimidating, so be it.
I’m not mad at my friend. None of this is actually about him. But rather, I’m grateful that we had the conversation because it forced me to really discover what I believe. The words sent me into an internal place that I HAD to look at, and from looking, it re-affirmed to me that I’m not here to apologize for who I am and the beliefs I have and the choices I’ve made in my life. No matter what I do, someone isn’t going to like it, so I’ve chosen to live how I want.
I’m here to be me. Vulnerably, lovingly, courageously me, who stands in my values with strength. I’m not here to be swayed by the wind. I’m not here to fit in with the way other people think I should live. And if that makes me threatening, or hard to get along with, or hard to love, I’m ok with that. If someone feels that way about me, then I’m not meant to be loved by them.
And this is a Wildheart Life. A life of courage. In being who you are. In knowing your values and standing behind them. In not settling for what you think you need to be in order to be loved. In not trying to do anything other than live the way you want to live. Open Heart. Wild Heart. Loving Heart.
If I’m not loved for these qualities, I don’t really need to be loved by you.
So if you’re reading this and feel intimidated or upset…that’s ok. I get it. You’re not the first and you probably won’t be the last. But if you’re reading this and you’re all like “heck yeah I want some of that in my life” then join the Revolution. Put your email addy here and I’ll keep you updated on how to get more involved in the Wildheart Revolution.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I operate under the belief that what I want wants me, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who feel how I feel and want what I want. Are you one of them? In what ways does this resonate with you? Leave a comment below.
P.s. Like what you heard here? Want some more (peaceful) rebellion in your life? Sign up in the box below for bursts of holy freedom