love & relationships Uncategorized wildheart
March 28th, 2013
Apparently I’m Dauntingly Positive and Optimistic. Know What I Say To That? Fuck Off.
Today I got some feedback. On my Facebook page. By a friend of mine who doesn’t have the same belief system I do. Through an exchange of words, back and forth, where neither of us would budge on our values or beliefs (rightfully and respectfully so), I got the one piece of feedback that had me thinking the most.
The feedback was that I must be intimidating to be in a relationship with. And when I dug a little deeper about what he meant by this, he said that since my views are non-traditional, that that is intimidating. That since I know what I want, I expect honesty and transparency, and that I’m strong, that I must be intimidating. That I’m dauntingly positive and optimistic. That I just want to do what I want to do, and if the other person doesn’t support it, then I won’t be in a relationship with them.
My blood began to boil. Not necessarily because of the words my friend was saying, but because of what what he was saying meant to me. He was speaking to some of my (old) biggest fears. That the very things I have worked my whole life to do and become, all of the things I’ve tried to unwind and unravel from my past that never worked for me, all of the things I am most proud of for creating in my life, are the very things that could be intimidating about me to men. Coming from the horses mouth.
So I was all like…”wait, I’m intimidating because I know what I want, I have strong values, and I want to be with someone who has similar values? What’s wrong with that?” And, “that doesn’t even make sense,” I thought.
And after a ton of time spent thinking about this, what it really came down to for me, is that if someone doesn’t like this stuff about me. If it’s too uncomfortable to have honest and transparent conversations. If it’s intimidating to be around a girl who wants to delve into the depths of the human experience. Then don’t try to date me. Don’t bother. If my positivity is too much for you, don’t be around it. If you’re intimidated by me, then we’re not supposed to be together. So save us both some pain and don’t even ask me out. I’m serious.
Because chances are even though you’re intimidated by me, I’m just a girl who wants to love and wants to be loved and will likely fall in love with you regardless of all this. And you’ll decide somewhere down the line I’m too much to handle. That what I call forth in you is too much for you. And you’ll leave in a blaze of glory and I’ll be left holding the bag, wondering what the hell happened, and why I wasn’t good enough for you. And I’ll cry and cry and write blog posts about it.
Or rather, the old me would.
Here’s the thing I’ve learned. I do know what I want. I fiercely (and lovingly) stand behind my values. And I’ve decided that an equally strong and present man isn’t going to be intimidated by my beliefs or my life choices or my position in this world. He’s going to find those things the MOST attractive about me. Me living my life the way I want to will have nothing to do with him, it won’t threaten his life or beliefs.
If someone else feels threatened by what I do, I know now that that actually isn’t about me. I’d guess it’s about their own insecurities about not fulfilling what they want to in their lives.
And the truth for me is that my friend was right…I am unwilling to budge on this. If my man doesn’t feel these ways, then it’s not worth it to me to be with him.
Not my first rodeo.
I’d rather be uncoupled living absolutely and fully in my values, then with someone and not honoring my values. My life is already beautiful. And I’m not looking for someone to fill a void. Rather I’m looking for someone to share the beauty with. Be alongside with. And I’m going to choose an alongside partner that feels the way I do about life and wants the same things out of it. And if this makes me intimidating, so be it.
I’m not mad at my friend. None of this is actually about him. But rather, I’m grateful that we had the conversation because it forced me to really discover what I believe. The words sent me into an internal place that I HAD to look at, and from looking, it re-affirmed to me that I’m not here to apologize for who I am and the beliefs I have and the choices I’ve made in my life. No matter what I do, someone isn’t going to like it, so I’ve chosen to live how I want.
I’m here to be me. Vulnerably, lovingly, courageously me, who stands in my values with strength. I’m not here to be swayed by the wind. I’m not here to fit in with the way other people think I should live. And if that makes me threatening, or hard to get along with, or hard to love, I’m ok with that. If someone feels that way about me, then I’m not meant to be loved by them.
And this is a Wildheart Life. A life of courage. In being who you are. In knowing your values and standing behind them. In not settling for what you think you need to be in order to be loved. In not trying to do anything other than live the way you want to live. Open Heart. Wild Heart. Loving Heart.
If I’m not loved for these qualities, I don’t really need to be loved by you.
So if you’re reading this and feel intimidated or upset…that’s ok. I get it. You’re not the first and you probably won’t be the last. But if you’re reading this and you’re all like “heck yeah I want some of that in my life” then join the Revolution. Put your email addy here and I’ll keep you updated on how to get more involved in the Wildheart Revolution.
I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I operate under the belief that what I want wants me, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who feel how I feel and want what I want. Are you one of them? In what ways does this resonate with you? Leave a comment below.
P.s. Like what you heard here? Want some more (peaceful) rebellion in your life? Sign up in the box below for bursts of holy freedom
I’m positive you’re not too positive!
That said, I’m a firm believer in the theory of “If you don’t like who I am or what I do, there’s a door right over there!”.
We live with the freedom of not having to love, or even like every single person we encounter. And vice versa.
I’m in the midst of a discussion as we speak with a Canadian, who claims to be a Masonic Brother, but yet, clings to the belief that Canada is superior to the U.S. in every way, denigrating the U.S. at every opportunity, and at the same time, refuses to actually come and experience life in the U.S., never wanting to cross the border. He openly denigrates the business of pro wrestling, yet similarly refuses the challenge to come on down and train like a wrestler before he can say how “fake” it must be. Lots of knowledge and perspective to form a view, right?
The bottom line is that not every person is “cut out”, so to speak, to be (symbolically) holding hands and singing Kumbaya with every other person. That’s what makes people different. What a sad place it would be if every single person agreed with every single thing another person said, with no variation at all. What would we ever learn if our views and perspectives were never challenged?
It’s bad enough that there are people who are so closed minded that they refuse outright to have their system of beliefs challenged, shutting off anything that would possibly open their horizons, but to have just the opposite, having no dissenting views on anything, ever? Sure, it might be great for politicians, but for the rest of the world?
Diversity is what makes people more well-rounded. If there are people who feel they don’t need anything other than whatever they have formed in their mind all by themselves, then I sure wouldn’t want to be around that person. They’d bore me to tears before too long.
Ok I just love your comments. Now as much as ever before. You’re thoughtful, interesting, and I love your perspectives. Thanks so much for sharing and I love the points you bring up about diversity being the thing that makes us all interesting. Heck yes. If I didn’t have someone else’s views to compare mine too, I wouldn’t be able to take a stand. Thanks for bringing the smiles.
Yes, Yes, Yes. Thank you for putting into words a lot of what I feel about myself. I know who I am and what I want. All I am “asking for” is someone to meet me at that level of Conscious Creation.
Sally, If we have to turn our light and passion and energy down to be with someone, that just won’t work for women like us. Moving forward, I see more women taking up the space they are meant to occupy, and shining as bright as they were meant do, “hard to handle and all.” Strong women demand strong men….and a partner who brings out the aliveness of who we are.
I settled and got married to a man who is not present and it HURTS my heart a lot. And yes, I know there is something for me to learn, mostly about self-value, self-honor, and self-love, so I am grateful for that.
The way I see it, is when you settle it never works out anyway, so hold strong for what you want, and as you say “what you want wants you” and (will be found). with great gratitude for you and other Wildhearts all over the world.
Thank you so much for writing lady. And I totally agree with you. The most pain I’ve ever been in was when I was with a man who I felt dim around. My shine was lackluster. And the worst part was that I chose him too. I let it happen. So I totally understand. That relationship taught me SO much. Happy to share the light with you sister.
Thank you, Sally, and thank you, Michelle. I really needed to read this today. “If we have to turn our light and passion and energy down to be with someone, that just won’t work for women like us”. My 6 year relationship ended 7 months ago when after months of trying to be less, of cutting myself down to size so he could fit me into his life, I was left feeling drained and worthless; when despite my every effort to make things work, my ex decided that he didn’t want to be with someone who was too much of a feminist. I’m grateful for a second chance at life – to be who I am, and live life according to my values, without having to apologise for what I genuinely believe. Yet, there are days when I wonder if there was anything more I could have done to salvage the relationship, when I feel alone and like I failed. Maybe it’s the safety of the comfort zone, but even though he didn’t make me come alive or feel cherished, I was still devastated when it all fell apart. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for this article and your comment. I did get the better end of the deal after all. Much love.
Lady…I think you bring up a really really good point. That even when it’s not the right relationship, even when it wasn’t working and our lights were dimmed, that it’s still painful and can be devastating. That’s a #wildheart life. The FULL spectrum of emotions. The potentially best and worst parts of ourselves. The happy the sad and everything in between.
I know it probably still feels hard sometimes but I’m guessing that you’ll find that being YOU, in full bright light, always wins over “not being alone” with the wrong person.
Keep in touch.
Thank you for your reply, Sally. It brought me to tears – to hear I wasn’t stupid to feel devastated. Perhaps because that is the sort of validation even I haven’t given myself. I guess we all are harder on ourselves (even if it is in the form of putting pressure on ourselves to believe we’re better off) than we’d be to people we love or to perfect strangers. Thank you again. *Hug*
Oh girl…we are all SO DAMN hard on ourselves, saying things to ourselves that we would never even say to our worst enemies. It is absolutely ok to feel exactly what you’re feeling. Keep going girl. And let me know if you ever get stuck.
Women don’t deserve to buckle or accommodate! We are beautiful as we are and desire to be! Certainly men too. I just had a girl power moment.
YEAH GIRL POWER!!! Hee hee
Yeah, we’ll call you “Sally Spice”. You can join Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde in the Spice Girls (the above WERE the Spice Girls, weren’t they?)
I WANT YOU! :) And fuck yeah girl … this is the manifesto of a revolution leader right here. xo
Thanks beoo. And for the giggles about it before I posted it.
YES! AND, for me, the better I’ve gotten about knowing what I want and being open to seeing it/feeling it/experiencing it, the easier it is for me to detach myself – or not even start with – people who aren’t that. People who see me as a project, or changeable, or as a token whatever, I’m not letting them start as much as now, and they’re not as inclined to. Because that’s not what I want, and they (I) need to move along to find someone who is over the moon PUMPED about the entire Ellen experience. Or has the potential, curiosity & desire to be. Loved this, to me, that feedback is really validating, especially with what you’ve been through/are up to in this world. It’s like yes….AND?? Although I get how it’s a trigger and tender spot, I’m glad it got a little massage :-)
Oh dude totally! It’s like the process is a whole lot quicker when we know what we want. Because that way, if it’s not there right off the bat, we don’t even go down the rabbit hole. HAHA I love what you say about being over the moon pumped about the whole Ellen experience. YES!!!!!
You wild thing you! I think you’re great, I’ve come a long way too in order to realise my worth and figure out that I’ve settled for ‘small people’ because I thought I was one myself.
But I’m not. Plain and simple. I’m amazing complex intelligent and most of all free. I unapologetically speak my mind and open my heart. This is intimidating to most people because they recognise the value in living that way but at the same time are incapable in their current state to be that way. This has led me on many ‘fix her’ ‘heal her’ ‘teach her’ love missions that never work out.
So I totally agree with you, tell em to fuck right off and go and find someone at their own level instead of trying in vain to suck the energy outta people who decided enough is enough. People like you and me who no longer will settle for partners who are anything less than exceptional advanced human beings, people who aren’t small but large, people who are expansive and curious and interested in life first and love as a sub-category of that.
It’s not easy to find people like you, especially women like you, but it’s getting easier. More people are finding the truth about themselves in this Information Age than ever before and once aware are making the choice not to live small lives but to open themselves up to embrace who they are and follow whatever path that throws them down.
I like your ‘revolution’ to be wild at heart should be such a normal thing! Yet people have forgotten what it means to be wild and be driven by the passion of your own existence.
I passed the navigation exam of my Skippers ticket today because I love the ocean and want to sail out in her deep blue waters with no land in sight again.
That’s how I Wild at Heart it today!
Hey John…I LOVE THIS and couldn’t agree ore “I’m amazing complex intelligent and most of all free.” I think that exactly sums up what I meant too (you just happened to say it much more succinctly than I did…which isn’t surprising coming from a minimalist).
Also…this ruled too “who no longer will settle for partners who are anything less than exceptional advanced human beings, people who aren’t small but large, people who are expansive and curious and interested in life first and love as a sub-category of that.”
I love it. If I were on an online dating site, I’d write that. :)
But most of all…YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!! To you getting your Skippers ticket. I imagine you sailing across the deep blue sea, thinking of amazing things and feeling free. YEEEHAW.
There will be a man that shares your values and thinks those are the most fascinating part of you. He’ll have dreams just like you do, and you’ll be each other’s biggest cheerleader and supporter and help each other grow and live a bold life. And the best part about is that both your individual dreams will melt into one big dream, one vision with a sense of possibility of how life could be like if you could reach that part of the dream that can only be reached by the two of you together.
I know with absolute certainty that this man is out there and waiting for you. So keep rocking life the way you are right now and I’m sure you’ll bump into each other on the street, or in a grocery store, or maybe at a party. But you’ll meet for sure.
Oh lady! That comment just gave me entire body chills…so you must be right!! And I believe everything you said. Especially about one big dream that is greater than the sum of the parts. You said it so beautifully. Thank you!
HELLS YEAH!!! Sally, you were born to be a leader. To move mountains. To shake shit up. And girl, I’d follow you and join any revolution you lead.
You are a shining example of what it means to live free. You embody Wild Hearted living. Everyone who knows and loves you, loves you precisely because of your strength and commitment to living your truth.
I am blessed to be in your Universe girl.
Lady…thank you so much. You’ve been alongside this Wildheart Revolution since day one. YOU ARE A WILDHEART. Thank you for your encouragement, support, love, and cheerleading. Damn…you’re a good coach. :) LOVE YOU
Doesn’t it feel good, knowing you don’t NEED someone to make your life complete! There’s a big difference between needing and wanting……although sometimes they are the same. I am proud to admit that I both need and want chocolate. :)
Jerika, the self proclaimed, ‘diamond in the rough’
It does feel good! Or rather what feels the best is the perspective shift that no other person or thing outside of myself is there to make me happy or whole. This is a concept I’ve struggled with throughout the years but continue to gain understand about it. And hahahha! I love your “need and want chocolate” idea. TOTALLY!!
That ability, that courage, to say exactly what you are feeling and sensing can cost everything. Martin Luther said “Here I stand, I can do no other,” and he started a reform, Jesus did it and it ended on a cross, marchers for freedom did it and they were attacked and beaten, others did it and they stopped a war. Doing this is an all or nothing thing. You either say “Here I stand” or you sit and wither.
The good thing is either in the world or in your soul, Easter morning almost surely comes.
I believe I have no other choice. I think it’s what I came here to do. And luckily…Easter literally IS right around the corner. A new growth. Thank you for the reminder.
I am reminded that I’m a man that totally loves peaches!
Yay for yours.
And I am reminded of how much I appreciate you! Thank you
Great post and I can just see you standing with your cowgirl boots on and heart wide open knowing just what you want and not willing to settle. Love that and I resonate. BTW, since I first saw you rocking your WildHeart Revolution, you HAVE to see the movie, “WildHearts Can’t Be Broken”. It’s old school, from 1991, and has horses in it:) The girl in it is doing the WildHeart thing. Def worth watching. Thanks for sharing the post and your authenticity.
I will put it in my netflix right now!!!! XO to you fellow Wildheart!
Amen to living true to who you are! There are always going to be people who are afraid of people who won’t settle for mediocre! You are the fearless leader, a trailblazer, of women who do not settle for what people expect of you. Instead, you are moving, shaking, fully aware, taking risks and really experiencing life for all that it has to offer. That is scary for a man who is comfortable with mediocracy because he may feel that you will grow tired of him if he cannot keep up with you. So yes, he needs to move on and you need to keep on moving and shaking people awake the way you do!! Hats of to the Chief of Wild harts! Yee haw!
I could not agree more! And it’s true…if we can’t keep up with each other, it just wouldn’t work. Thank you so much for your words. And for being a fellow Wildheart.
I too, am this. Not even mad about it.
Heck yes sister!
You go girl! I was told as a young woman that I intimidate men, and that to ‘keep a man’ I should put away my intelligence and boldness because no successful man (who I apparently should be striving for so he could supply a comfortable life) would want to be out shined by a confident intelligent woman. Fortunately I grew up to understand that the exact opposite is true. I am most fully alive and happy when I am my true passionate self and that when I am that, I attract others who are that. Together we walk side by side in respect and admiration of each others greatness. So please keep going forth, being your true fully empowered selves – no apologies.
AMEN!! I agree, I’m the most alive too when I’m being myself. I love what you said. Thank you so much for chiming in.
I’m glad your stating the truth now! My last relationship lasted 5 years (4 of which were too long). I lost myself, my dreams, and my desires. When I woke back up to my spirit 4 years later and made a a point to go for what I wanted the relationship fell apart (thank God). I made a point to do whatever the heck I wanted and happened to meet my fiance a short 4 months later. I’m so stoked to find a guy who supports my strong opinions and the biz/life I have worked so hard to build!
Same thing happened to me lady, minus the fiance part (yet). Ughhhhhh! So painful being in the wrong relationship!
The part about “I do what I want to do, and if someone doesn’t support it , then I won’t be in a relationship with them” stuck out for me.
I think this is what your friend said to you (not your actual words)
It doesn’t feel like it leaves room for honoring the other person’s values… it’s like “my way or the highway” kind of thinking… and I’ve had this fear in relationships. It’s a really fine balance between sticking to my values, and leaving room for my partner’s too. We dont have to be the SAME person, but there are some common threads that must tie us together.
Thanks for writing this timely post Sally!
Yeah girl I totally hear you. And I feel the same way. It’s not “my way or the highway” at all, but more like I’m looking for someone with the same life values as me and who wants the same things out of life. After that, things are very loose. Excited for your new adventures.
This is so beautifully, fantastically written. Thank you for sharing. This needs to be read by every teenage and 20-something girl who has EVER felt like she should change herself to make other people happy. Totally sharing this on my link roundup this weekend. Thank you. xo
Witty Cassie (I love it)…thank you so much for reading. And commenting. Which part resonated with you the most?
And I agree. I wish someone would have told me this when I was 20! Send me the link to your blog so i can send you some love there.
Much love lady!
ooooooooh so gorgeously expressed! how can we create relationship goals if we have not created personal goals? impossible. thank you for this piece. LOVE!
Hey lady!!! Good to see you in here. :) I’m glad this resonated with you. What discoveries have you had since reading it?
Thanks for sharning this. I dont think this just applies to women, but to people in general. I’m a 30 year old gay guy and have spent my whole adult life up until now going from one car crash of a relationship to the next, never realising that the reason all my relationships went to shit, was because the relationship I had with myself was shitty. If you treat yourself like shit, chances are your treating others that way too , probably without even conciously realsing it. Good people behave badly when they are unhappy.
If you cant stand with yourself and what you value and love who you are then no one else is ever going to give that to you. Once you realise that then the journey becomes AMAZING I’m still working all that stuff out, but I know do know that if you dull yourself down in order to keep someone who is intimidated or threatened by the path that you are on, then you shouldnt be travelling with them.
Your words will resonate with so many people reading your blog. What you do is AMAZING so keep doing it. Man or no man, YOU ROCK
Hey Alan…thank you for so much for reading and commenting. Your words meant a lot to me. And I couldn’t agree more. I realized awhile ago that the only consistent thing in all my failed relationships was ME. Who I was being. Who I was attracting. And how I wasn’t loving myself in the way that I wanted someone else to love me. It really screws things up. thank you so much for sharing your story.
Reading this post has gotten me even more thoughtful about opinions and truly being who you are. I have spent the majority of my life being the peacemaker, unsure of how to present my opinions without upsetting others. And yet, here I am, questioning that once more. I don’t believe that I need to change my overall quiet and centred personality so that others can feel more comfortable with my introversion, but I do believe that I would like to stop clogging up my own thoughts with silly ideas of being ‘too analytical’ or ‘too thoughtful’ or some such nonsense.
I’m not sure what I’m saying makes much sense out of context, but basically what I’d like to say is thank you for writing this, and for being so true to yourself that you inspire others to do the same (including me!). I look forward to having a good perusal through your blog as I have just discovered you, and I think you’re awesome!
This totally makes sense. We all have a dialogue going on in our brains, and most of the time, it just doesn’t serve us. That’s what I’m hearing. That you want to be fully you, introvert and all, but not be run by your detrimental-to-your-growth thoughts. I hear you lady. Thank you so much for reaching out. I think you’re awesome too.
Oh my goodness… I feel like this has been ghostwritten on behalf of my heart/brain. I’ve never understood why people have called me intimidating in the past, and less so why that has made me “undateable”. I’m in a relationship now but it took someone very surprising but just as focused on what they want as I am and a very difficult decision to live in separate states to continue doing so. I wouldn’t give up having someone who gets it for anything. This post is so very valuable for so many women… thank you for writing it!
Hahah Ceri you are hilarious. Perhaps I AM in your heart and brain. Probably because you’re a fellow Wildheart. That’s why you resonate. Welcome. :) Thank you for joining in on the conversation and don’t be a stranger!
You, my dear, are a woman after my own heart. Love this post to bits.
I was constantly told by the same few individuals that I was too intimidating, my interests too weird, my life experiences too “much” and that I needed to tone it down if I wanted to “get a man.” (what lovely knuckle-dragging, cromag, drag-me-to-yout-cave advice that is!) I refused. I got married…and here’s the funny part:
Sometimes he tells me I’m “too intense” or “not to be so weird” because he thinks I’ll put people off (which has yet to happen). I smile, tell him I love him and then say “Sweetie…get over it. You knew what you were getting into so suck it up big boy.” I’m just me. I like who I am…people can take me or leave me…and I’m okay with whichever they choose. ♥
Hey Alli….ahhhh that is so adorable! And I love how you’re owning and claiming who you are. “This is who you married hun!” Hahah.
Take it or leave it attitude, with tons of heart. You are DEFINITELY a #wildheart. Thanks so much for being part of this discussion!
I’m not sure I am confident enough in myself to be as strong as you, but I completely support the movement. Anyone intimidated by your confidences and what you want from life isn’t right for you, and vice versa.
” If someone else feels threatened by what I do, I know now that that actually isn’t about me. I’d guess it’s about their own insecurities about not fulfilling what they want to in their lives.”
Amen to that!
Miss Alice…I beg to differ!!! If you’re part of the community, if it resonates with you, you got it. It’s just a matter of practice. I look at it like a pendulum swing, from one side to the other. Sometimes I feel super confident and awesome and sometimes I feel self-conscious and weird. The difference for me now is that I just observe it from a conscious place and choose how I want to be about it.
You’re on the path, fellow Wildhearted sister!
I read this and wanted to laugh and cry because I loved it!
I have lost count of the number of men who have been intimidated by me and no matter what I stand by my values. If that can’t handle that to bad for them, I want someone who will stand by me not under me! I have had many conversations with men about how they feel intimidated and an equal number where they get pissed off just because I will not bow down to them and be a weak traditional girl. they are confused by me, they do not know what to do and they cannot figure it out. They are turned on by it and equally afraid and those brave enough to take up the challenge seem to soon find themselves mewling like a kitten that’s lost it’s mother. I am not it’s mother. I am not here to look after you! I need an equal. so go girl! I will join your revolution! ;-) Kia Kaha!
Heck yes lady! I think some men just don’t know what to do with us. And that’s ok. They aren’t the right ones for us. Thanks so much for chiming in and I can tell you’re a fellow Wildheart. I will def let you know when the Rev get a’rollin.
Just from reading what you say makes me fall in love with you. Yes I am a man, but I’d say the fact that it’s “threatening” is not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that whoever steps up to the plate of dating you will have to mean it and really love you for you, and not just let his own ego seek for some relationship that can fuel his own sense of grandeur.
And if anything that difficulty would make the idea of dating you even sexier
What a beautiful comment. Thank you so much. And I couldn’t agree more.
” it just means that whoever steps up to the plate of dating you will have to mean it and really love you for you”
It’s men like you who make women like us shine. Thank you.
Thank you for this. I feel like this. But for the last couple of months I’ve been feeling really down and sometimes I feel like just giving into the pressure of conforming and being like everyone else, because sometimes it feels like that thats the only way I will be loved. But after reading this I can see that if your so strong with your beliefs etc then I can be too. This makes me think of this Marianne Williamson quote “And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” I kinda feel like you’ve just liberated me. Thank you.
Oh girl…thank you so much for writing in. I’m SO SO glad you did. Who you are, naturally, right now, is lovable. You don’t need to do anything or change anything to be loved. Most people don’t know this, so we’re in a world where everyone is changing something about themselves to be loved. The more we all love ourselves, just as we are, the more magnetic we are…the more we draw the right people to us. You can do this. And please keep in touch. Let me know if you get stuck or need some specific help. You are the reason I write. Thanks for chiming in.
you’re fucking amazing.
I could not love this more. I had a similar argument with my brother earlier this year about the fact that I can’t fathom changing my last name. We were in a bar and we were drinking and his girlfriend was there. She’s an absolute delight. He said something about how I was going to end up alone for my unrelenting views on the subject, and she jumped in, effectively ending the conversation, by pointing out that the conversation was moot – there’s no way I’d ever get to the point of marriage with someone whose values were that far out of alignment with mine. The idea that the, “I won’t take your name,” conversation would be come a marital deal breaker is bananas because there are some core personal values that it’s tied to which would have to be part of the equation for me to ever get that serious with someone.
So a hearty HELL YES to this post. LOVE.
Maybe you’re friend is intimidated by you. Maybe he wishes he could be a bit more free/take risks/ whatever… but yes, it’s his issue. It has nothing to do with you!
I feel the same. I rather be single and continue about with my beautiful life and it’s ups and downs than change to fit someone else’s ideals. I’m a true believer that there is someone for everyone in this world. We must be patient. We must believe. We must trust.
While continuing to do what feeds our soul.
I’ve done the proving myself to a partner that didn’t value himself… Oh man. Of course, that could never work and yet I had no idea I was trying so hard and proving something that I could never achieve. Valuable lessons learned.
Amen Sally….just ‘met’ you through b-school…it was love at first sight!
Hey Lori!! So great to meet you and have you here! What resonates the most?? Mutual love fest. XO
This reminds me of what my dad used to tell me in high school when I was lonely. “You’re beautiful, smart, talented…boys are intimidated, sweetie!” He was saying it to comfort me, but it never really helped, because who wants to be told that her best qualities are the most off-putting?!
Even now that I’m older and I’ve been lucky enough to find someone who accepts me completely (and I know a lot more about myself and what I want than I did back then, though I’m still figuring stuff out), I look at my little sister and how she’s struggling with the same self-worth issues I was and I know that being told you’re intimidating isn’t helpful. Because it connotes bad things about knowing who you are as a person, bad things about the very qualities that will inevitably make you so desirable to the person who truly deserves you.
In short, I love this. Glad I’m not the only one who has heard this “feedback” and thank you for your analysis of it.
Hey Grace…gosh…I HEAR YOU FOR SURE!!! And being told “you’re intimidating” doesn’t help especially when all you’re doing is being your bright and beautiful self. I’ve been told that too. I’m so happy that you were able to fully love and accept all those dynamics traits you have and I’m sure you are an awesome example for your sis.
Thank you so much for your comment and keep in touch!
Hi Sally! This is the first post I’ve read by you and I’m so glad I stopped by. You are a girl after my own heart. I swear I could have written this exact post a couple years ago.
I absolutely agree that you need to be you and the right man will love you for it. I have a feeling that we’re a lot alike and I, too, have been called “intimidating” by men. In fact, my boyfriend was nervous to approach me because I seemed so independent, confident and put-together. He assumed I’d want someone “better” than him (he’s a mechanic and thought I’d want a doctor or something). Thank God I decided to make the first move! He totally respects and loves me for being opinionated and fearless, and I know you’ll find someone like that as well. I think a lot of men are still into the old-fashioned “traditional” wifey who is passive and doesn’t speak up, but my man wanted someone with a brain and I know he’s not the only one.
Keep doing what you’re doing! You’re awesome!!
You’re a badass! Thank you for sharing lil lady. Much love sent your way.
Thank you for sharing! XOXO
Thank you for sharing lil lady! I checked out your site and love it! It’s so fun.
Hey lady! Thank you so much for sharing my stuff. What resonated with you the most?